Kyun rota hai?

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya

Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya
Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Duniya mein yunhi hota hai
Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain

Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai

Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

To you, my soul mate

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

You left, a little too soon. Sure, you shook me up, showed me what I was doing wrong and made me believe, that somewhere, someone existed for me, and me only. You made me fall for love all over again and made me blush like a love struck teenager. But I was in love with no one, just with life, it's oddities and myself.
But then you left, without warning and without trace of the person who used to be. Holding on seemed futile, and letting go as always, was painful. So I'm stuck again, mid air, in between flying and crashing to the ground. With no promise of your hands below to catch me like they did before.
I will still celebrate every 13th, because that's when you came into my life and turned it topsy turvy. Nothing has been the same since that day, and it never will be. 'Destiny baby' I can almost hear you saying.. but I don't even remember your voice. I'm holding onto juvenile recordings and messages like they mean a lot. And suddenly, in a relationship where we promised there'd be no buts, all there seems to be are clouds of it everywhere.
But again, that's just me. I could really use your stupidity now, your voice and you. Without realizing, you affected my life and little too much at that. And then, just left. Somewhere I know, there is a trace of MY Afreen, I really wish he'd understand that.
Don't let me down like the others did. I've had enough of hiding my heart from the fear of it being broken. Don't break my heart.

And come back,
I could really use your love right now.

Grains of Sand

I walk with my hands in my pockets, looking around, hoping no one is noticing the change of expressions on my face or the twitching of my mouth every now and then. I'm hiding beneath my hair, always letting it down, so that it covers imperfections and sometimes tears.
This is probably the happiest phase of my life, but I can't get myself to put my hands out in the air and embrace it. Instead, my hands remain in my pocket where I finger a tiny shell and some sand. The shell upsets me but reminds me of times which were beautiful and calm, two things which are seeming lost in my life for a while now. It puts me in a place that was my paradise. Standing in an old rusted lighthouse and looking at the dark clouds that were approaching us.. we didn't care. We had each other then. Ofcourse we did, because when it rained, you covered me with your jacket, hugged me tight and bundled me up in the car. Warmth of that sort, no, I haven't felt it since then. In the dark of the night, when all I can do is think, I think about you and that one night.
I've forgiven you though, for letting me go, just like they said you would. We got too busy for each other I guess- the excuse I've made up when people ask me. It hurts, but I'll be fine. We had our time and space, and hopefully someday, we'll feel that way again.

The sand in my pockets on the other hand is something that refuses to get out. There's sand in my shoes, some in my pockets, in my bag and hair and everywhere. Tiny reminiscences here and there, reminding me every moment that there aren't things I've let go off. People and memories who don't deserve my time anymore, but are still occupying space in my already crammed head. Exactly a month back, someone told me that 80% of the way we feel generally is because of the 20% of the people in our life. Negative, that's how I feel. I'm letting their poison seep into my world even though they aren't a part of it anymore. Unhappiness, insecurity, stress are slowly becoming a part of my life.

If only I could get rid of the damn sand.

Detox, cleansing, rebirth even. What is the answer out? Help? Anyone?

Get Out

I've said it enough and I will say it again.
Just get out.
You're not welcome. You're uninvited, Your invitation has expired and neither of us is interested in renewing it. So why are you still lurking in the corners? Why am I still in the corner of your eye? You've moved on with her, and so has he. I'm the only one still afraid of falling in love again because I'm scared however awesome he might be, there's a good possibility that he's going to do the exact thing over again. So if that means that I have to hide my heart for a long time now, I will.
I've kicked you out, cut communication and done everything possible keeping a stone on my heart. I would like to be friends someday, but that day hasn't arrived yet. Certainly not because, you still don't respect me, my space, my world or anything about me. And till that day, whenever it is, we will remain with this distance. So stay away. I'm happy dancing to my own tunes no matter how much you and 'your girl' think it's stupid.
Honestly, I'm not bothered anymore about what you do. Your life, your fuck ups. I cared once, but you've given me more than enough reasons not to.
So setting it straight, if we've decided not to talk, no matter how drunk/high/lonely you are, I do not appreciate talking/kissing you. I'm trying very hard to wake up every morning and not think about what you both did to me.
This is the least you can do for me.
Regret is something I promised myself I would never feel but it looks like you made me break another promise to myself.

Love,
Your dumb psychotic bitch

Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images no


Well I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and i'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did i make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Quench

You wanted water, I hope your thirst is quenched. Bye
The last message you wanted it to be. How could that happen? It's us after all.
I see you running, towards her and away from me. And you tell me you're standing right there, only trying to build her world again. And what about mine? Are you okay with crushing it with your foot?
I've always been possessive of love. Since I was little, if anyone touched my mom, I would make angry faces at them and bang my own head against the floor. Maybe you're right, I haven't grown up. And maybe when I grow up, I'll kill. Well you also never know who I am talking about here.
So busy trying to build her world that those 3 words just slipped out did they? So easily, when all my trust and insecurities were in those 3 words, how could you just go give them away? Add another word to that and it would still be true. 4 words. 4, my lucky number. Ha.
And then you say I didn't mean it, does she know that? I am tempted to run to her, and tell her myself, stay away, you're only a season. Don't take away the rest of the seasons of his love and his life.
If this means I'm insecure, maybe I am, maybe I always will be. Was Acceptance the part you missed out?
I've cut and pasted parts of life for you and this last thread I'm hanging on after the terrible way it was severed. For you. For you being six, divided by the two of us, making it 3, your lucky number
I do understand math.
And I do love you,
But I'm still thirsty.

Edging to the End

When people used to say things have just begun, I used to believe them. Believe them with all I had. I liked beginnings. But then, I was a dreamer. I believed in happy endings and a knight in shining armour, among other innocent things. Now, it feels like things only begin to end sometime. That's the first thought that enters into my head 'Shit, now that it's begun, when's it gonna end?'
This is what you've turned me into. I'm taking my liberties in blaming and criticizing you, because not in a million years are you going to read this. Finally letting go and breaking open. You've got a hardcore romantic believing in bitter endings instead of happily ever afters. How could you have the heart to do that? Kill the child within a person and develop a hard bitter person. Bitter. That's what I am.
But for some reason you love this person? I question your mere existence. What the hell are you? You love the dark and dirty side of me, and not the innocent squeaky clean side which everyone does. Is that what makes you different?
Is that what makes me love you?
'You're Dependent', you say. Dependent for the plain fact that I love you? HOW?
I'm questioning so many things to the open universe, waiting with my mouth and arms wide open for answers. I'm screaming, wailing. But to no freaking avail. I'm still thirsty. If this means the end, just give it to me. I'd rather just grieve than feel nothing at all.
And for all that you've done, in turning me into this person, The one thing you haven't done is, how what happens in between?
I'm trying to close my eyes and get through this. Help me out