These two months.

My journey of retrospection comes to pause at this brilliant phase of life. I halt to look back at what I left behind and what I've come to learn from these months, that have already begun to change my life and my process of thinking, as I knew it.

These two months, they've taught me firstly, to let go of a life I imagined..they brought me face to face with an unimaginable plethora of opportunities that were right there all along.

They've taught me to stand up on my own two feet and jump till my fingers can touch the sky.
They've shown me montages of separation, and then showed me paintings, beautiful paintings of reunion.
They've have taught me, finally, to see who stood in the rain without an umbrella, waiting for me to look down and who left at the slightest greying of the skies.
They've shown me that love is not something I can predict, nor something I can stop. And when it did hit me, I realized that it was painless, without expectations, without that pit in the stomach I always felt.
In these two months, I realized that a pair of eyes can see so much, and speak so much without the mouth uttering a word. I also saw the power they had to hold my soul, captivate my senses and pull me into an embrace which left me tingling with it's remains. And sometimes, they speak stories..of a far away land and a light they once lost...
It has shown me that three girls, with nothing much in common, from three very diverse backgrounds could create instant magic whenever they met.
These months have thrown me off balance, pushed me kilometers away from my comfort zone and shown me that my choices can make me, almost every time.
It has proved to me, the love of a family. One bound by blood, and another by mere proximity. It has shown me that both hold great value in a person's life. It has made me realize the importance of a mother's love, a sister's affection and a father's concern. The ingenuity of these relationships are irreplaceable.
It has shown me, that understanding people doesn't take months, years or decades. It takes one moment and one look at that perfect time, and you know you've found a friend for life.
It has shown me that hugs are healers, and any bad mood can be cured by the warmth that it creates.
It has taught me, that teachers can be friends, and good ones at that. And then, it's so much easier to gain anything from someone, who you have some sort of relationship with.
I have learnt to shut my ears from things that have the potential to affect me and clear my eyes from tears that are threatening to fall every now and then.
I have learnt, to hold my tongue, to analyze every little thing that passes through the hallways of my brain before it slips out of the gateway of my mouth.
I have learnt to be courteous, to hold the door for anyone who accompanies me.
I have learnt to be patient, to hold my breath, for things will take their destined course.
I have learnt that there is a certain comfort in living uncomfortably, because that is the true meaning of living.

I am learning, something new everyday, something exciting, something challenging. Something that makes me fall in love with imaging and aesthetics, something that awakens my senses and let's me dream.

I am finding my wings, and I'm finally learning to fly. 

Closer

I won't Try, I won't come any closer I swear
I'll give you, your space To breathe, and all The Time To erase The memory of her
I'll hold my breath Till That fine day, when you decide you're stronger
I'll hold on, I'll keep myself rooted, no Matter how longer
Filling up That empty spot in your heart is not why I'm Holding on
I want To learn of love, love That withstands, love That's so strong
Love That frees your senses, love That gives you inspiration,
The feeling of mad, passionate love, I'm looking for That sensation.
I want To hold you real Tight, and Tell you you'll be fine,
But I'm scared to come any closer, I'm scared To cross That line.
What if its The proximity you don't want,
What If its The sight of me that confuses you.
No, Take your time, I'm stepping back, 
Someday, I hope in me you'll find 
those streaks of red in your walls of black. 

J <3 font="font">

Gam zeh ya'avor

Like every delicate drop that falls,
From the hands of the little girl,
And every grain of sand that escapes
from her palm, like a bright pearl,

She will learn in time,
that those moments will wait for none
And she will learn that once they pass,
They cannot be undone.

She will see times of Happiness,
of unparalleled joy and trust,
But when she'll want to touch them,
She'll watch them turn to dust

She will dance in the wind,
gently gliding to and fro,
but when the storm comes through,
She'll know to rest her wings, as this will pass too.

All her love and all the strife,
Like other moments that passed her by,  Are but the drops of a larger well,
And when she gazes,
She'll look back inside,
Those moments that passed,
Made her life.


- Written as Narration for 5 shot exercise on the topic 'This too shall pass'

The Fool

The fool sat around in the sidelines, as always, and watched with wide eyes as he walked away again, a different person on his side yet again. She saw the way he looked at her. That warmth in his eyes. She recognized it, because that's the warmth she felt in herself every time she looked at him. That feeling of being complete and whole and loved.... But he didn't love her. His eyes never turned warm when he looked at her. Instead every time she looked at him, he turned away, sighing quietly, wondering when it would end. Wondering when she would stop thinking about him.

She wondered too, when would it end. When would she stop being the fool. But she knew it would only end when she stopped loving him, only when she threw him out of her life. When she closed herself up so totally, all over again, that no one, and this time not a single soul could come and ruin her personal paradise. Nobody would be allowed through those thick, thick walls. Every time she prepared herself for it, he'd come back again and tear them down, just like that. Just because he could. For the fun of it maybe. To see the light in her eyes, for those brief seconds, when she thought, she finally had him...
And then he'd kiss her on her forehead and be on his way. Laughing and sighing silently, for she'd fallen for it again. The fool that she was! Haha.

Not anymore. This, definitely was the last straw. The one thing he had despised most about her, he went right out and did exactly that. The Hypocrite. But she wasn't doing it anymore, falling for his two words of love. NEVER.

This was the end of the fool. She would have to kill that heart that was beating for him. Kill it because if he knew it was hidden, he'd play his games again. Not again.

 "And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn" 

You

Somebody buy me a cupcake. Somebody ask me if I'd like to have one. Somebody hold my hand and ask me which one I'd like, and smile when you see my face lite up with innocent and childish joy. Somebody bring back that child. Somebody make me laugh so hard that tears fall off and you gasp at the tears that roll down my cheeks. Somebody take me on a tonga and sing old Hindi songs with me in the rain, while living out some crazy movie.
I could be that somebody for myself, do all that stuff alone and still have a good time. But good times would just become better if I somebody to share them with. You know?
Come fast you. 

Hello, perfection

November 21st 2010, you turned to me and said 'What about my hug?' and on the stage of that event in front of 2500 gaping people, we hugged. The warmth of that hug and the warmth of everything that was there in between came across so beautifully in that one moment, and like they say, the rest is history. For me, that's when it started. Though I know that for you, our story started way before I even realized it did.
It has been exactly a year, 7 months and 10 days since then. And I haven't been more thankful to God that you came my way. If AIESEC has impacted my life, you are probably the biggest and best it can get.
From those auto rides and never ending lunches where you refused for me to pay to those extremely long OCMs, where I'd just break down at the end of it, and you just held me and told me it would be okay. He'd hurt me, and I would run to you and cry about it, selfishly, not really what I was actually doing. If I'd only known...
There's always a side of me which said that nothing could get more perfect than you. And that's the biggest part of me, which still believes. Which still gives you everything all over again, just to start over.
These two years have taught both of us valuable lessons. In love, friendship, jealousy, trust and so much more than I'll ever know. But through all the shit and the rainbows, I know. That the moment you smile at me, it'll all be okay. You give me those premature ventricular contractions they talk about in movies. Just that, I'm not sure what we'll ever be. And maybe, after these years, I've reached a point where I never want to as well. Nobody has seen me as bipolar, rude, lovable, PMSing, gentle and all that put together as you have. And even if they have, they gave up and walked away long back. That was my cue, you didn't.

I may want to give up on you a million times. (At certain points, I really wish I could) But that tiny part inside of me is always saying I'm an ass for thinking so much and trying so hard. There's this song I heard, called You got a way. And nothing has ever described what I feel about you more aptly. Really, you have got a way with me. And that's just one song. Lol.

Long ago, you had said to me that I could never do justice to a blogpost about you.. I guess I can't. I owe just too much to you to even think about. Periods of not talking to you seem like the world is conspiring against me. All of a sudden, everyone around me wants to talk about what an awesome person you are. Every man standing next to me is suddenly a Kartik or is talking to someone called Kartik. Blame South India, but this place is full of your namesakes. And suddenly, the radio plays Drown With Me... What is a poor girl to do?

You know, Someday, I'd like to be given the opportunity to make your day, like you always make mine. Just for one day, I'd like to be your sunshine, like you are mine.
And like I told you.. on 14th February 2011, to me, you are perfection. And no matter, how much I run to the imperfection, your radiance just pulls me back home :) Even if you aren't around, reading your letter over and over again gives me a certain courage I had doubted I possessed.


And you know what, I've had enough of being 'in love' with what I thought was you. That idea of a person... Hidden beneath all that somewhere, STILL, lies my perfection. And that's no idea. That's the person I know and love. And maybe I'm a fool in love, but for you, that foolishness, a 100 times over. 


Happy 21st Kartik Bhatia. I love you with every little piece of my heart and always will. You're a big boy now, time to stop acting like a sissy you think? 
Grow some balls and get here fast. (Though just to clarify, I'm not missing you okay?)
Now you can fug off.

Love, hugs, kisses,bites and other nasty things,
Jugsaan


P.S- This didn't come out the way I wanted it too. Maybe a blogpost can't actually do justice to you :/
But one day, I'll make it up to you munchkin.

Kyun rota hai?

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya

Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya
Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Duniya mein yunhi hota hai
Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain

Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai

Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai