The Fool

The fool sat around in the sidelines, as always, and watched with wide eyes as he walked away again, a different person on his side yet again. She saw the way he looked at her. That warmth in his eyes. She recognized it, because that's the warmth she felt in herself every time she looked at him. That feeling of being complete and whole and loved.... But he didn't love her. His eyes never turned warm when he looked at her. Instead every time she looked at him, he turned away, sighing quietly, wondering when it would end. Wondering when she would stop thinking about him.

She wondered too, when would it end. When would she stop being the fool. But she knew it would only end when she stopped loving him, only when she threw him out of her life. When she closed herself up so totally, all over again, that no one, and this time not a single soul could come and ruin her personal paradise. Nobody would be allowed through those thick, thick walls. Every time she prepared herself for it, he'd come back again and tear them down, just like that. Just because he could. For the fun of it maybe. To see the light in her eyes, for those brief seconds, when she thought, she finally had him...
And then he'd kiss her on her forehead and be on his way. Laughing and sighing silently, for she'd fallen for it again. The fool that she was! Haha.

Not anymore. This, definitely was the last straw. The one thing he had despised most about her, he went right out and did exactly that. The Hypocrite. But she wasn't doing it anymore, falling for his two words of love. NEVER.

This was the end of the fool. She would have to kill that heart that was beating for him. Kill it because if he knew it was hidden, he'd play his games again. Not again.

 "And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn" 

You

Somebody buy me a cupcake. Somebody ask me if I'd like to have one. Somebody hold my hand and ask me which one I'd like, and smile when you see my face lite up with innocent and childish joy. Somebody bring back that child. Somebody make me laugh so hard that tears fall off and you gasp at the tears that roll down my cheeks. Somebody take me on a tonga and sing old Hindi songs with me in the rain, while living out some crazy movie.
I could be that somebody for myself, do all that stuff alone and still have a good time. But good times would just become better if I somebody to share them with. You know?
Come fast you. 

Hello, perfection

November 21st 2010, you turned to me and said 'What about my hug?' and on the stage of that event in front of 2500 gaping people, we hugged. The warmth of that hug and the warmth of everything that was there in between came across so beautifully in that one moment, and like they say, the rest is history. For me, that's when it started. Though I know that for you, our story started way before I even realized it did.
It has been exactly a year, 7 months and 10 days since then. And I haven't been more thankful to God that you came my way. If AIESEC has impacted my life, you are probably the biggest and best it can get.
From those auto rides and never ending lunches where you refused for me to pay to those extremely long OCMs, where I'd just break down at the end of it, and you just held me and told me it would be okay. He'd hurt me, and I would run to you and cry about it, selfishly, not really what I was actually doing. If I'd only known...
There's always a side of me which said that nothing could get more perfect than you. And that's the biggest part of me, which still believes. Which still gives you everything all over again, just to start over.
These two years have taught both of us valuable lessons. In love, friendship, jealousy, trust and so much more than I'll ever know. But through all the shit and the rainbows, I know. That the moment you smile at me, it'll all be okay. You give me those premature ventricular contractions they talk about in movies. Just that, I'm not sure what we'll ever be. And maybe, after these years, I've reached a point where I never want to as well. Nobody has seen me as bipolar, rude, lovable, PMSing, gentle and all that put together as you have. And even if they have, they gave up and walked away long back. That was my cue, you didn't.

I may want to give up on you a million times. (At certain points, I really wish I could) But that tiny part inside of me is always saying I'm an ass for thinking so much and trying so hard. There's this song I heard, called You got a way. And nothing has ever described what I feel about you more aptly. Really, you have got a way with me. And that's just one song. Lol.

Long ago, you had said to me that I could never do justice to a blogpost about you.. I guess I can't. I owe just too much to you to even think about. Periods of not talking to you seem like the world is conspiring against me. All of a sudden, everyone around me wants to talk about what an awesome person you are. Every man standing next to me is suddenly a Kartik or is talking to someone called Kartik. Blame South India, but this place is full of your namesakes. And suddenly, the radio plays Drown With Me... What is a poor girl to do?

You know, Someday, I'd like to be given the opportunity to make your day, like you always make mine. Just for one day, I'd like to be your sunshine, like you are mine.
And like I told you.. on 14th February 2011, to me, you are perfection. And no matter, how much I run to the imperfection, your radiance just pulls me back home :) Even if you aren't around, reading your letter over and over again gives me a certain courage I had doubted I possessed.


And you know what, I've had enough of being 'in love' with what I thought was you. That idea of a person... Hidden beneath all that somewhere, STILL, lies my perfection. And that's no idea. That's the person I know and love. And maybe I'm a fool in love, but for you, that foolishness, a 100 times over. 


Happy 21st Kartik Bhatia. I love you with every little piece of my heart and always will. You're a big boy now, time to stop acting like a sissy you think? 
Grow some balls and get here fast. (Though just to clarify, I'm not missing you okay?)
Now you can fug off.

Love, hugs, kisses,bites and other nasty things,
Jugsaan


P.S- This didn't come out the way I wanted it too. Maybe a blogpost can't actually do justice to you :/
But one day, I'll make it up to you munchkin.

Kyun rota hai?

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya

Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya
Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Duniya mein yunhi hota hai
Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain

Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai

Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

That one mistake

The moment it happened, I knew it shouldn't have. It was wrong from the very beginning and it had the potential to ruin something that was right, very right. But it did happen, there's no mistaking it. No point in denying it, pretending it never happened, because it did. And I was ashamed. What was I thinking. Why. How. When my thoughts and heart were so far away from that cold place, nestled (then) cozily in him. It was  all about him, even when we were apart. I missed him then, but that was the time when he missed me back. Where did I lose that person somewhere along the way.. My perfection. How could I lose him.

Will he ever forgive me? Put it behind him? Will he value what was there in the past and forgive that one stupid mistake that I made.. will he.

HYPOCRITE. My head shouts. And hypocrite. That's what I am. I blamed him for not being a friend, for not being the person he was. How could he, obviously. How could he pretend it didn't affect him.

And now I lost him, lost his faith in me and everything that we had. Just like that. Because of that one mistake. That boy who was once possessive, protective, loving, tender and perfect, now doesn't even care enough to pretend to like me. How could I..

But now only time will tell. And only time heal.

How do I do this alone Munchkin? It wasn't supposed to be you. It wasn't.

And I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for hurting you.

Forgive me.

Space. Lots of it.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

That dose of happiness.

You need to kiss the damn person you want to kiss and just be done with it. It’s important to feel like you can still surprise yourself. We put up these walls now just so we can break them down later and feel like we’ve grown. It’s not so much about the kiss itself. It’s more about proving to yourself that you can get what you want. You’re one ballsy move away from sublime happiness. - I guess all my walls are broken down, and HOW! :D


P.S- Didn't happen. I just like it :P