“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
You left, a little too soon. Sure, you shook me up, showed me what I was doing wrong and made me believe, that somewhere, someone existed for me, and me only. You made me fall for love all over again and made me blush like a love struck teenager. But I was in love with no one, just with life, it's oddities and myself.
But then you left, without warning and without trace of the person who used to be. Holding on seemed futile, and letting go as always, was painful. So I'm stuck again, mid air, in between flying and crashing to the ground. With no promise of your hands below to catch me like they did before.
I will still celebrate every 13th, because that's when you came into my life and turned it topsy turvy. Nothing has been the same since that day, and it never will be. 'Destiny baby' I can almost hear you saying.. but I don't even remember your voice. I'm holding onto juvenile recordings and messages like they mean a lot. And suddenly, in a relationship where we promised there'd be no buts, all there seems to be are clouds of it everywhere.
But again, that's just me. I could really use your stupidity now, your voice and you. Without realizing, you affected my life and little too much at that. And then, just left. Somewhere I know, there is a trace of MY Afreen, I really wish he'd understand that.
Don't let me down like the others did. I've had enough of hiding my heart from the fear of it being broken. Don't break my heart.
And come back,
I could really use your love right now.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Fix Me
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
One of those days, again..
I should've just stayed away. From you, her, him and everyone else. Living my own little world of make believe is so much more easier and happier. Believing in the space where we exist. Together. As one. That place where I thought you'd be, but when I reached there, it was pretty deserted. Some faint traces remained that vanished soon after.
I've stopped expecting anything from you, or your race. Being let down constantly just doesn't do much, for me, or my self confidence. Neither does being mid way.
Broken pieces levitating far from each other, hanging on to threads of what used to be. That's what I am. And I'm living keeping these broken pieces as they are. By fixing it, I'm giving you the power to shatter it all over again. No way am I taking that risk. Not again.
So non committal? Bring it on.
Deep inside me, there's a small hope that you'd realize that only you, have ever had the power to fix me back.
Someday, I hope you mean the words of the song you sing so often, looking so deeply into my eyes. Someday, I hope you could hold me tight and refuse to let go. And someday, I hope you realize, that our place, is where we're meant to be. For now, and forever.
Someday, I hope you can find me, and fix me.
One of those days, again..
I should've just stayed away. From you, her, him and everyone else. Living my own little world of make believe is so much more easier and happier. Believing in the space where we exist. Together. As one. That place where I thought you'd be, but when I reached there, it was pretty deserted. Some faint traces remained that vanished soon after.
I've stopped expecting anything from you, or your race. Being let down constantly just doesn't do much, for me, or my self confidence. Neither does being mid way.
Broken pieces levitating far from each other, hanging on to threads of what used to be. That's what I am. And I'm living keeping these broken pieces as they are. By fixing it, I'm giving you the power to shatter it all over again. No way am I taking that risk. Not again.
So non committal? Bring it on.
Deep inside me, there's a small hope that you'd realize that only you, have ever had the power to fix me back.
Someday, I hope you mean the words of the song you sing so often, looking so deeply into my eyes. Someday, I hope you could hold me tight and refuse to let go. And someday, I hope you realize, that our place, is where we're meant to be. For now, and forever.
Someday, I hope you can find me, and fix me.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
+1 and -25
"It's not fair", I cry.
"Life's unfair", he says, almost nonchalantly.
"But..."
It's turning into a rhetorical statement almost.
Losing people never came easy to me. I wish I was one of those, who could detach as and when she wanted to. And hold on for exactly the time it was necessary. And just leave the pain behind as memories. Why does gaining one relationship mean losing so many others? How do emotions and feelings turn into smoke in a matter of a day, or a conversation? And what fueled that fire?
I've been searching the universe for this question and from everywhere came the reply, there's a reason people from your past didn't make it to your present. But then sometimes you just can't do without that support, or smile.
The conflict between my head and my heart is never ending. One fights for the logic that people left you because they had to, when the other argues that there isn't a question of leaving when it comes to love...
But now
The answer is pretty obvious actually.
She fell out of love too.
"Life's unfair", he says, almost nonchalantly.
"But..."
It's turning into a rhetorical statement almost.
Losing people never came easy to me. I wish I was one of those, who could detach as and when she wanted to. And hold on for exactly the time it was necessary. And just leave the pain behind as memories. Why does gaining one relationship mean losing so many others? How do emotions and feelings turn into smoke in a matter of a day, or a conversation? And what fueled that fire?
I've been searching the universe for this question and from everywhere came the reply, there's a reason people from your past didn't make it to your present. But then sometimes you just can't do without that support, or smile.
The conflict between my head and my heart is never ending. One fights for the logic that people left you because they had to, when the other argues that there isn't a question of leaving when it comes to love...
But now
The answer is pretty obvious actually.
She fell out of love too.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
This date, last year and this one and for years to come.
Here's to you and me. For one year of this and that and them. And now, finally a day of us. Here's to you for making the cheesiest day of any girl's life, always the best of mine. The one day in these two years, where I promised myself I wouldn't see you, but I knew in the bottom of my heart, that you'd be there. And there you were. Man, the way things changed from the same time last year to now, the way we changed, the People we met, we loved. But still, despite it all, here we are, and still, you are my perfection. No matter who you killed, for years to come, you, Kartik Bhatia, will always be my perfection.
And you, Kartik Bhatia, cannot run away from this. It will pull us back together like two ends of rubberband, at the end of it, it's still one piece of elastic. And that's what we are, one. And that's what we've always been.
Today, is the perfect day of thank you for yesterday, and for tomorrow. And I mean that metaphorically as well. Thank you for what we had, and thank you for what we will have. And I know, no matter how today goes, at the end of the day, I'll have you :)
My perfection.
Love and lot of other dirty feelings.
And you, Kartik Bhatia, cannot run away from this. It will pull us back together like two ends of rubberband, at the end of it, it's still one piece of elastic. And that's what we are, one. And that's what we've always been.
Today, is the perfect day of thank you for yesterday, and for tomorrow. And I mean that metaphorically as well. Thank you for what we had, and thank you for what we will have. And I know, no matter how today goes, at the end of the day, I'll have you :)
My perfection.
Love and lot of other dirty feelings.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Walking away
It's pretty sad how everything comes with a timeline.
Laughter, pain, love, relationships and life itself.
It's good in a way I guess, you know that you're never stagnant. But what if sometimes you just don't want things to change, you want them to be right the way they are. Just one part of your life. What do you do then? Do you hold on till it's been stretched so hard and all that is left is the faint trace of what used to be?
Or do you let go, like you did of everything else and let time heal scars and wounds like it always has.
But, you know you can't regret either decision, because at one point, that's exactly what you wanted.
Who knew holding on to things could be as hard as letting go is. Who knew.
Laughter, pain, love, relationships and life itself.
It's good in a way I guess, you know that you're never stagnant. But what if sometimes you just don't want things to change, you want them to be right the way they are. Just one part of your life. What do you do then? Do you hold on till it's been stretched so hard and all that is left is the faint trace of what used to be?
Or do you let go, like you did of everything else and let time heal scars and wounds like it always has.
But, you know you can't regret either decision, because at one point, that's exactly what you wanted.
Who knew holding on to things could be as hard as letting go is. Who knew.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Grains of Sand
I walk with my hands in my pockets, looking around, hoping no one is noticing the change of expressions on my face or the twitching of my mouth every now and then. I'm hiding beneath my hair, always letting it down, so that it covers imperfections and sometimes tears.
This is probably the happiest phase of my life, but I can't get myself to put my hands out in the air and embrace it. Instead, my hands remain in my pocket where I finger a tiny shell and some sand. The shell upsets me but reminds me of times which were beautiful and calm, two things which are seeming lost in my life for a while now. It puts me in a place that was my paradise. Standing in an old rusted lighthouse and looking at the dark clouds that were approaching us.. we didn't care. We had each other then. Ofcourse we did, because when it rained, you covered me with your jacket, hugged me tight and bundled me up in the car. Warmth of that sort, no, I haven't felt it since then. In the dark of the night, when all I can do is think, I think about you and that one night.
I've forgiven you though, for letting me go, just like they said you would. We got too busy for each other I guess- the excuse I've made up when people ask me. It hurts, but I'll be fine. We had our time and space, and hopefully someday, we'll feel that way again.
The sand in my pockets on the other hand is something that refuses to get out. There's sand in my shoes, some in my pockets, in my bag and hair and everywhere. Tiny reminiscences here and there, reminding me every moment that there aren't things I've let go off. People and memories who don't deserve my time anymore, but are still occupying space in my already crammed head. Exactly a month back, someone told me that 80% of the way we feel generally is because of the 20% of the people in our life. Negative, that's how I feel. I'm letting their poison seep into my world even though they aren't a part of it anymore. Unhappiness, insecurity, stress are slowly becoming a part of my life.
If only I could get rid of the damn sand.
Detox, cleansing, rebirth even. What is the answer out? Help? Anyone?
This is probably the happiest phase of my life, but I can't get myself to put my hands out in the air and embrace it. Instead, my hands remain in my pocket where I finger a tiny shell and some sand. The shell upsets me but reminds me of times which were beautiful and calm, two things which are seeming lost in my life for a while now. It puts me in a place that was my paradise. Standing in an old rusted lighthouse and looking at the dark clouds that were approaching us.. we didn't care. We had each other then. Ofcourse we did, because when it rained, you covered me with your jacket, hugged me tight and bundled me up in the car. Warmth of that sort, no, I haven't felt it since then. In the dark of the night, when all I can do is think, I think about you and that one night.
I've forgiven you though, for letting me go, just like they said you would. We got too busy for each other I guess- the excuse I've made up when people ask me. It hurts, but I'll be fine. We had our time and space, and hopefully someday, we'll feel that way again.
The sand in my pockets on the other hand is something that refuses to get out. There's sand in my shoes, some in my pockets, in my bag and hair and everywhere. Tiny reminiscences here and there, reminding me every moment that there aren't things I've let go off. People and memories who don't deserve my time anymore, but are still occupying space in my already crammed head. Exactly a month back, someone told me that 80% of the way we feel generally is because of the 20% of the people in our life. Negative, that's how I feel. I'm letting their poison seep into my world even though they aren't a part of it anymore. Unhappiness, insecurity, stress are slowly becoming a part of my life.
If only I could get rid of the damn sand.
Detox, cleansing, rebirth even. What is the answer out? Help? Anyone?
Friday, February 3, 2012
Let it go.
So ironic. But so repeated. Every time two hearts meet, somewhere, one breaks.
What's worse? When you've been in both the positions. And weirdly enough, you feel terrible at both times.
What's more ironic? When all your life you think you've been great at relationships and they all fall flat on your face, and then when you finally meet the right one, you have suddenly forgotten to be in a relationship. Forgotten how it is to be loved. How to receive.
What could possibly be worse? The fact that you start missing what you had. But wait, isn't this a step higher? Isn't this how it was meant to be? Then what? Why this hopelessness..
Stop looking out, start looking in, says a little voice from inside. And when you do, you see his eyes.. looking at you like you're the only thing that matters and ever did, those eyes are saying things which he never would, all those fights and tears and angry glances all lead up to this one moment. Vulnerable. That's the word. You feel vulnerable in his arms. That's a new feeling though. You know you've felt love, lust, passion and all of those things people feel in a relationship. But Vulnerability? That's a new one.
But you find that being vulnerable is the only way to let your heart feel true pleasure after all the hurt and scars, feel it so close and real that it scares you.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
What's worse? When you've been in both the positions. And weirdly enough, you feel terrible at both times.
What's more ironic? When all your life you think you've been great at relationships and they all fall flat on your face, and then when you finally meet the right one, you have suddenly forgotten to be in a relationship. Forgotten how it is to be loved. How to receive.
What could possibly be worse? The fact that you start missing what you had. But wait, isn't this a step higher? Isn't this how it was meant to be? Then what? Why this hopelessness..
Stop looking out, start looking in, says a little voice from inside. And when you do, you see his eyes.. looking at you like you're the only thing that matters and ever did, those eyes are saying things which he never would, all those fights and tears and angry glances all lead up to this one moment. Vulnerable. That's the word. You feel vulnerable in his arms. That's a new feeling though. You know you've felt love, lust, passion and all of those things people feel in a relationship. But Vulnerability? That's a new one.
But you find that being vulnerable is the only way to let your heart feel true pleasure after all the hurt and scars, feel it so close and real that it scares you.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
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