I believe in you,
Like I believe in rain without seeing the clouds
There's just something about the air then,
Something smells better, tells you change is close by.
You smile, because you know it's on it's way,
You get your jackets out, but throw them in a corner,
Because this time you want to drench yourself in the downpour,
Take in everything that there is,
And you feel liberated and joyous just be smelling the rain in the air.
All this by just believing that it will rain.
How can they tell me not to believe in your love then?
When some wise man said it's the thought that counts, it probably is,
Imagining rain coming close made me happy, feeling and imagining your love in my head and heart is then a feeling of ecstasy. I believe, and I'm glad I do.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
To The Nice Guys I know
This is an old one, but it still applies to all those nice guys I know, the roommates, the friends, the ones who warned me a million times but were still there every time to wipe away those silly tears, for those who put my pain over theirs and for those who let me wet their shirts with my tears and drool :) I love you
Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Monday, November 21, 2011
I hope, I wish.
How do I make it go away?
Your disappointment, your pain.
I want to make it stop.
I wish I could reach out to you.
From across this distance,
Reach out to you so that my arms could wrap themselves around you,
So that my fingers could smoothen those creases on your face.
I want to feel the freckles on your skin and wipe away any tears that may fall.
That face wasn't made for tears.
And if I ever caused them,
I would go back push through this distance and make sure nothing ever hurts you again.
Over time, your tears have become more important than mine,
And your joy has managed to seep into my world and brighten it up with a thousand incandescent lights
I wish, and hope, that someday, you find the person who can do these things to you.
And a little part of me, hopes it's me.
I love you, today and forever.
Your disappointment, your pain.
I want to make it stop.
I wish I could reach out to you.
From across this distance,
Reach out to you so that my arms could wrap themselves around you,
So that my fingers could smoothen those creases on your face.
I want to feel the freckles on your skin and wipe away any tears that may fall.
That face wasn't made for tears.
And if I ever caused them,
I would go back push through this distance and make sure nothing ever hurts you again.
Over time, your tears have become more important than mine,
And your joy has managed to seep into my world and brighten it up with a thousand incandescent lights
I wish, and hope, that someday, you find the person who can do these things to you.
And a little part of me, hopes it's me.
I love you, today and forever.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Shadow and Soul
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.
You and Me together, belong in that place.
An immunity to the world and all that jealousy and hate that belongs to it.
I'll be waiting
You and your soul know where to find me.
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.
You and Me together, belong in that place.
An immunity to the world and all that jealousy and hate that belongs to it.
I'll be waiting
You and your soul know where to find me.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Get Out
I've said it enough and I will say it again.
Just get out.
You're not welcome. You're uninvited, Your invitation has expired and neither of us is interested in renewing it. So why are you still lurking in the corners? Why am I still in the corner of your eye? You've moved on with her, and so has he. I'm the only one still afraid of falling in love again because I'm scared however awesome he might be, there's a good possibility that he's going to do the exact thing over again. So if that means that I have to hide my heart for a long time now, I will.
I've kicked you out, cut communication and done everything possible keeping a stone on my heart. I would like to be friends someday, but that day hasn't arrived yet. Certainly not because, you still don't respect me, my space, my world or anything about me. And till that day, whenever it is, we will remain with this distance. So stay away. I'm happy dancing to my own tunes no matter how much you and 'your girl' think it's stupid.
Honestly, I'm not bothered anymore about what you do. Your life, your fuck ups. I cared once, but you've given me more than enough reasons not to.
So setting it straight, if we've decided not to talk, no matter how drunk/high/lonely you are, I do not appreciate talking/kissing you. I'm trying very hard to wake up every morning and not think about what you both did to me.
This is the least you can do for me.
Regret is something I promised myself I would never feel but it looks like you made me break another promise to myself.
Love,
Your dumb psychotic bitch
Just get out.
You're not welcome. You're uninvited, Your invitation has expired and neither of us is interested in renewing it. So why are you still lurking in the corners? Why am I still in the corner of your eye? You've moved on with her, and so has he. I'm the only one still afraid of falling in love again because I'm scared however awesome he might be, there's a good possibility that he's going to do the exact thing over again. So if that means that I have to hide my heart for a long time now, I will.
I've kicked you out, cut communication and done everything possible keeping a stone on my heart. I would like to be friends someday, but that day hasn't arrived yet. Certainly not because, you still don't respect me, my space, my world or anything about me. And till that day, whenever it is, we will remain with this distance. So stay away. I'm happy dancing to my own tunes no matter how much you and 'your girl' think it's stupid.
Honestly, I'm not bothered anymore about what you do. Your life, your fuck ups. I cared once, but you've given me more than enough reasons not to.
So setting it straight, if we've decided not to talk, no matter how drunk/high/lonely you are, I do not appreciate talking/kissing you. I'm trying very hard to wake up every morning and not think about what you both did to me.
This is the least you can do for me.
Regret is something I promised myself I would never feel but it looks like you made me break another promise to myself.
Love,
Your dumb psychotic bitch
Friday, October 28, 2011
"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away"
-Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859
-Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Abhay
"If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know
You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful"
From the very first time that I heard this gay Taylor Swift song, you were the only thing that popped into my head. Nothing could describe it better. You were that beautiful boy for me from the very beginning.
3 years back, I fell in love with my best friend and I was the luckiest girl on earth because this awesome boy felt the same way about me. He was mature, sweet, caring, good looking and everything I ever dreamt of in a perfect boy. But then, as they say some things are just meant to be in a certain way. I lost the love of my life but was lucky enough to have my best friend back. Maybe that's all we ever supposed to be. Maybe.
But let me tell you this, You are and always will be the sanest guy I ever went out with. And our good times certainly over ride our bads. Most importantly to me, you showed me and rest of the world that I was worthy of being loved, no matter how I looked. Those silent fights with the rest of the world, only we know what those felt like. When the little gangs of people tried coming in between and killing us, you stood like a shield in front of me, dodging every little worry that came our way. I am forever grateful. Without you, those days would have been hell.
We laughed and cried together and been there to weep away each others tears (mostly you wiping away mine, but yeah) When my heart broke for the first time, even though we were miles apart, you were the first one I told. It was instinctive. I knew no one else would be there just to understand what I was going through except you.
As I write this, I feel tears trickling down my cheeks and I realize how much I miss you. Like any other time, when I tell you I miss you, I actually mean it.
If you're the only ex I'm in comfortable talking terms with, it obviously does mean something. You have brought more joy to my life than you'll ever realize Abhay. And I think of you, whenever life brings me down, and I think to myself he'd probably call me an idiot for crying, and so I wipe my tears away.
If it hadn't been for you, I would have been driving myself and others over the wall by doing psychology. You were right, it never was a thing for me.
If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have discovered my love for photography, my love for capturing some of life's most beautiful moments on a piece of reel.
If I hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have had the chance to meet some of the most awesome people I know. And as one of them would rightly scream, 'DESTINY'. Yes, it was probably that. From the very beginning. Growing up together, hating each other, fighting with one and another, those shy glances, growing into best friends, falling in love and then ending up as friends who can't do without each other. (I take it for granted that you can't live without me too. Lol) We've lived a lifetime in these 20 years. And I cannot be more glad that you pushed me down the swing 14 years back. Cuz that's where it all started, and from there, there was no looking back. Now that I think about it, I even arranged for the most romantic kiss for you and your girlfriend one Diwali :P
Despite all the niceness,there have been times I wished that you stopped behaving like an over possessive husband, I didn't understand it then, but now I know it was probably for my own good. I've always been the little kid who refuses to understand important things, thank you for helping me grow up. :) It would've saved me a lot of heartbreak if I had just heeded your words.
Nevertheless, you were the best friend when I needed one desperately and my worst enemy when it came to choosing other guys.
I might not have been the best friend or even a good friend at that but I hope that I can make up for that now. Don't give up on me. Your support means a lot and so do you.
That girl with you now is darn lucky and I hope she knows it. :)
Happy Birthday Abhay Prahaladan. You mean the world to me lunatic, and you always will.
I'll always miss sneaking out and meeting you late at night. Lol.
And sorry for the long ramblings, this was long overdue.
With lots of love from home and NC,
Yours,
SUGI :D
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know
You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful"
From the very first time that I heard this gay Taylor Swift song, you were the only thing that popped into my head. Nothing could describe it better. You were that beautiful boy for me from the very beginning.
3 years back, I fell in love with my best friend and I was the luckiest girl on earth because this awesome boy felt the same way about me. He was mature, sweet, caring, good looking and everything I ever dreamt of in a perfect boy. But then, as they say some things are just meant to be in a certain way. I lost the love of my life but was lucky enough to have my best friend back. Maybe that's all we ever supposed to be. Maybe.
But let me tell you this, You are and always will be the sanest guy I ever went out with. And our good times certainly over ride our bads. Most importantly to me, you showed me and rest of the world that I was worthy of being loved, no matter how I looked. Those silent fights with the rest of the world, only we know what those felt like. When the little gangs of people tried coming in between and killing us, you stood like a shield in front of me, dodging every little worry that came our way. I am forever grateful. Without you, those days would have been hell.
We laughed and cried together and been there to weep away each others tears (mostly you wiping away mine, but yeah) When my heart broke for the first time, even though we were miles apart, you were the first one I told. It was instinctive. I knew no one else would be there just to understand what I was going through except you.
As I write this, I feel tears trickling down my cheeks and I realize how much I miss you. Like any other time, when I tell you I miss you, I actually mean it.
If you're the only ex I'm in comfortable talking terms with, it obviously does mean something. You have brought more joy to my life than you'll ever realize Abhay. And I think of you, whenever life brings me down, and I think to myself he'd probably call me an idiot for crying, and so I wipe my tears away.
If it hadn't been for you, I would have been driving myself and others over the wall by doing psychology. You were right, it never was a thing for me.
If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have discovered my love for photography, my love for capturing some of life's most beautiful moments on a piece of reel.
If I hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have had the chance to meet some of the most awesome people I know. And as one of them would rightly scream, 'DESTINY'. Yes, it was probably that. From the very beginning. Growing up together, hating each other, fighting with one and another, those shy glances, growing into best friends, falling in love and then ending up as friends who can't do without each other. (I take it for granted that you can't live without me too. Lol) We've lived a lifetime in these 20 years. And I cannot be more glad that you pushed me down the swing 14 years back. Cuz that's where it all started, and from there, there was no looking back. Now that I think about it, I even arranged for the most romantic kiss for you and your girlfriend one Diwali :P
Despite all the niceness,there have been times I wished that you stopped behaving like an over possessive husband, I didn't understand it then, but now I know it was probably for my own good. I've always been the little kid who refuses to understand important things, thank you for helping me grow up. :) It would've saved me a lot of heartbreak if I had just heeded your words.
Nevertheless, you were the best friend when I needed one desperately and my worst enemy when it came to choosing other guys.
I might not have been the best friend or even a good friend at that but I hope that I can make up for that now. Don't give up on me. Your support means a lot and so do you.
That girl with you now is darn lucky and I hope she knows it. :)
Happy Birthday Abhay Prahaladan. You mean the world to me lunatic, and you always will.
I'll always miss sneaking out and meeting you late at night. Lol.
And sorry for the long ramblings, this was long overdue.
With lots of love from home and NC,
Yours,
SUGI :D
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Hey Soul Sister
Alright. You aren't a sister. Or anywhere close to being a woman. But nothing could describe my feelings for you better than the term soul sister. From the moment I heard it, I knew someone would come along someday who'd sing it to me. It's nothing romantic really. I've learnt that, finally. That love, doesn't need to be romantic to be love. I could be more in love with you than I've ever been with any other man, but I still wouldn't call it romantic. Then what would it be? Well I really don't know. And I promised I wouldn't question it. So I won't.
Nevertheless, this is an ode to you, my companion,best friend, messaging buddy, lover, brother, father, boyfriendish something, friend with accidental benefits, my soul sister and finally my Afreen. The only thing you'll never be to me is a mother, because that's me to you and I have a wonderful one of my own.
When I was lost and out on my own and trying hard to put on a brave face and wipe my own tears, you came and held me close and told me all types of assholes exist in the world. You never told me to fall in love with you and neither did you expect anything in return.
Something that started off so small and so unexpectedly, has turned out to be the most beautiful phase of my life. And it's all because of you.
Thank you :)
What we are, the world won't understand. Hell, I don't think we do either. But it doesn't matter as long as we have each other. For the first time in my life, I'm not afraid. Not afraid to let go, because when I fall, I know it'll be into your arms. And yes, you'll probably bite me after, but that doesn't matter, cause I'll just bite you back. Yes baby, for everything you do, you will get an equal reaction. If you spank my ass, your non-existent ass can kiss itself goodbye. And if you kiss me, your lips don't need to wait for much longer. I won't regret it. Not one bit. Nothing has felt more warm actually. It surprises me how comfortable I was in your arms. All the time. And the ease with which you carried all the weight of my shoulders and blew it into the wind, like it never even existed.
The look on my face when you told me that she kissed you was only matched by the same on yours when I told you that he did the same with me. Same night, same place, when everyone thought we were 'taken'. You're most definitely mine, but you sure aren't 'taken'. Yes, there is a difference.
It's funny, how every love song reminds me of you but I still would never want to date you. It would ruin the sanctity of anything and everything that's going on now.
If you ever read this, you'd probably scream 'GAY' in your head. But go ahead, do it. Maybe I am a little gay afterall. And well, so are you :P
They see the change around me too. Everyone does. And it's the good one. The only thing they hate is how often we meet :P Do we plan it really? NO! It just works out I believe, and will they understand that? NO! Ofcourse they wont. I don't expect them too.
Coincidentally, as I write this, I remember and laugh, it's been six months since I met you Khurana. Six months. Feels like a lifetime doesn't it? Everything just seems longer and slower sometimes and then sometimes you realize how fast it's gone by. Confused state of affairs really.
So, before I forget, Happy Anniversary! :P Yes, you can shout GAY again.
We've reached a milestone, and never even realized. That's the connection Buoy. Right there. From the moment you walked into Abhay's house exactly six months back and curtly nodded at me and walked away, till that time when you looked me in the eyes and kissed me on the nose a week back, I have always looked at your face and smiled. Your face man, it just does things to me...
Not sexually. Chill.
At the moment, I can think of a million songs which were written just for us. All the ones I've ever told you about. Somewhere deep down, there is a connection.
How we got here? I don't know. But I do know that we were meant to. Destiny baby, destiny :)
I tried my best to hide my heart away cause I was scared of getting hurt and I still am, but I know and believe that you will never be the one to hurt me or bring tears to my eyes. I gave you a part of me, I know you can break but I trust you never to break it.
I want to say a million more things, but you won't stop texting, and I'm very tempted to text back. So that's all for now. I've given you enough of an ego boost for 10 years. And I expect repayment of some sort, preferably if you could meet me more often :) Dooriyaan zaroori toh hain, par itni bhi nahi :)
Okay bas. Bye.
Yes I lovuu too :P
Mwaah,
Juu/Jutadh/Chu chu/Juggie/Jogggie/Jugni/BALL
"Out of the doubt that fills my mind,
I finally find, You and I, Collide"
Nevertheless, this is an ode to you, my companion,best friend, messaging buddy, lover, brother, father, boyfriendish something, friend with accidental benefits, my soul sister and finally my Afreen. The only thing you'll never be to me is a mother, because that's me to you and I have a wonderful one of my own.
When I was lost and out on my own and trying hard to put on a brave face and wipe my own tears, you came and held me close and told me all types of assholes exist in the world. You never told me to fall in love with you and neither did you expect anything in return.
Something that started off so small and so unexpectedly, has turned out to be the most beautiful phase of my life. And it's all because of you.
Thank you :)
What we are, the world won't understand. Hell, I don't think we do either. But it doesn't matter as long as we have each other. For the first time in my life, I'm not afraid. Not afraid to let go, because when I fall, I know it'll be into your arms. And yes, you'll probably bite me after, but that doesn't matter, cause I'll just bite you back. Yes baby, for everything you do, you will get an equal reaction. If you spank my ass, your non-existent ass can kiss itself goodbye. And if you kiss me, your lips don't need to wait for much longer. I won't regret it. Not one bit. Nothing has felt more warm actually. It surprises me how comfortable I was in your arms. All the time. And the ease with which you carried all the weight of my shoulders and blew it into the wind, like it never even existed.
The look on my face when you told me that she kissed you was only matched by the same on yours when I told you that he did the same with me. Same night, same place, when everyone thought we were 'taken'. You're most definitely mine, but you sure aren't 'taken'. Yes, there is a difference.
It's funny, how every love song reminds me of you but I still would never want to date you. It would ruin the sanctity of anything and everything that's going on now.
If you ever read this, you'd probably scream 'GAY' in your head. But go ahead, do it. Maybe I am a little gay afterall. And well, so are you :P
They see the change around me too. Everyone does. And it's the good one. The only thing they hate is how often we meet :P Do we plan it really? NO! It just works out I believe, and will they understand that? NO! Ofcourse they wont. I don't expect them too.
Coincidentally, as I write this, I remember and laugh, it's been six months since I met you Khurana. Six months. Feels like a lifetime doesn't it? Everything just seems longer and slower sometimes and then sometimes you realize how fast it's gone by. Confused state of affairs really.
So, before I forget, Happy Anniversary! :P Yes, you can shout GAY again.
We've reached a milestone, and never even realized. That's the connection Buoy. Right there. From the moment you walked into Abhay's house exactly six months back and curtly nodded at me and walked away, till that time when you looked me in the eyes and kissed me on the nose a week back, I have always looked at your face and smiled. Your face man, it just does things to me...
Not sexually. Chill.
At the moment, I can think of a million songs which were written just for us. All the ones I've ever told you about. Somewhere deep down, there is a connection.
How we got here? I don't know. But I do know that we were meant to. Destiny baby, destiny :)
I tried my best to hide my heart away cause I was scared of getting hurt and I still am, but I know and believe that you will never be the one to hurt me or bring tears to my eyes. I gave you a part of me, I know you can break but I trust you never to break it.
I want to say a million more things, but you won't stop texting, and I'm very tempted to text back. So that's all for now. I've given you enough of an ego boost for 10 years. And I expect repayment of some sort, preferably if you could meet me more often :) Dooriyaan zaroori toh hain, par itni bhi nahi :)
Okay bas. Bye.
Yes I lovuu too :P
Mwaah,
Juu/Jutadh/Chu chu/Juggie/Jogggie/Jugni/BALL
"Out of the doubt that fills my mind,
I finally find, You and I, Collide"
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Utopia
Someday I'll look out of the window,
And I'll be smiling,
And the tears that fall today,
will be a thing of the past
Someday, you'll realize,
that this face never had a mask
Except that the one that was forced on it
Someday you'll be back
Someday you'll learn,
that trust is a big thing,
and it's hard to put back the pieces,
you shattered every now and then
Someday, you'll know,
you killed a little girl,
lit her and blew her out
like the smoke of your cigarette
Someday, you'll see,
that friend in me,
who tried so hard to pull you back,
and let go when she saw what you really wanted
Someday, You and I,
will be able to define what it is,
define that feeling,
define those 'lovu toos'
Someday, I'll figure out,
Why you came into my life all of a sudden,
and turned every frown upside down,
and then held me close
Someday, I will thank you,
for all the times you stood by me,
and pulled me back from every wrong step,
and hugged me when he broke my heart
Someday, I will find the secret ingredient,
which make your hugs the best,
and your kisses the sweetest,
and your tears the nosiest to me
Someday, I'll hold you all close,
and tell you how much you mean to me,
and wear your love all around me,
so that it would keep me protected and warm.
Someday, just someday.
And I'll be smiling,
And the tears that fall today,
will be a thing of the past
Someday, you'll realize,
that this face never had a mask
Except that the one that was forced on it
Someday you'll be back
Someday you'll learn,
that trust is a big thing,
and it's hard to put back the pieces,
you shattered every now and then
Someday, you'll know,
you killed a little girl,
lit her and blew her out
like the smoke of your cigarette
Someday, you'll see,
that friend in me,
who tried so hard to pull you back,
and let go when she saw what you really wanted
Someday, You and I,
will be able to define what it is,
define that feeling,
define those 'lovu toos'
Someday, I'll figure out,
Why you came into my life all of a sudden,
and turned every frown upside down,
and then held me close
Someday, I will thank you,
for all the times you stood by me,
and pulled me back from every wrong step,
and hugged me when he broke my heart
Someday, I will find the secret ingredient,
which make your hugs the best,
and your kisses the sweetest,
and your tears the nosiest to me
Someday, I'll hold you all close,
and tell you how much you mean to me,
and wear your love all around me,
so that it would keep me protected and warm.
Someday, just someday.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Anywhere the wind blows
She says I always walk like I have a purpose in life, somewhere to be.
She says that someday I'll be successful, but she also says that someday I might be the kind of woman who wouldn't care less about family, children, blah blah.
The fact that she thinks these things about me, makes me happy.
But it's pretty much the contrary if you ask me.
They're reading the signs all wrong.
When I'm walking with my brow creased, it's because I'm thinking a seven million different things at the same time, my path isn't defined, I'm just a confused little girl putting on a brave face.
Someday I fear, I'll be left to the streets, with no where to go and no one to hold.
And I also think that someday will take place due to the annoying fact that I care too much, about people around me, about people who love me, people who did love me in the past and people who presently detest my very being.
Sometimes, I just wish for the whole world to stop moving around so much, doing so much, thinking so much and creating a million barriers for each other. My head often interferes in that thought process with a sarcastic 'You're the one to talk' . And snap, I'm back to reality, where me, and the world and what I make of it, are too bothered with each other.
STOP CARING, I wrote big and black all over my note book, but the words just stared emptily at me, wondering why they were even scribbled with such fury. No effect. Zilch.
I wash my face and look around, everyone's busy with their own 'very important thing to do' and though I probably have a million of those, I still find ample time to upset myself over things that seem minimal to others. HOW? WHY?
'Why are you even crying?' he asks me. I shake my head not knowing what to say. I just say, 'Dude I'm crying cuz you let me go, just like the others' He says 'I was never there'
Yes, wow. That made an awesome difference and I feel a 100 times better.
Who knew that caring too much about someone would hurt you this much? I certainly didn't.
I'm tired of pushing my way through this cold surge of wind that's always from the opposite side. Yes, I maybe a wall, but even a wall breaks when there's too much of pressure from the opposite side.
Think of that.
She says that someday I'll be successful, but she also says that someday I might be the kind of woman who wouldn't care less about family, children, blah blah.
The fact that she thinks these things about me, makes me happy.
But it's pretty much the contrary if you ask me.
They're reading the signs all wrong.
When I'm walking with my brow creased, it's because I'm thinking a seven million different things at the same time, my path isn't defined, I'm just a confused little girl putting on a brave face.
Someday I fear, I'll be left to the streets, with no where to go and no one to hold.
And I also think that someday will take place due to the annoying fact that I care too much, about people around me, about people who love me, people who did love me in the past and people who presently detest my very being.
Sometimes, I just wish for the whole world to stop moving around so much, doing so much, thinking so much and creating a million barriers for each other. My head often interferes in that thought process with a sarcastic 'You're the one to talk' . And snap, I'm back to reality, where me, and the world and what I make of it, are too bothered with each other.
STOP CARING, I wrote big and black all over my note book, but the words just stared emptily at me, wondering why they were even scribbled with such fury. No effect. Zilch.
I wash my face and look around, everyone's busy with their own 'very important thing to do' and though I probably have a million of those, I still find ample time to upset myself over things that seem minimal to others. HOW? WHY?
'Why are you even crying?' he asks me. I shake my head not knowing what to say. I just say, 'Dude I'm crying cuz you let me go, just like the others' He says 'I was never there'
Yes, wow. That made an awesome difference and I feel a 100 times better.
Who knew that caring too much about someone would hurt you this much? I certainly didn't.
I'm tired of pushing my way through this cold surge of wind that's always from the opposite side. Yes, I maybe a wall, but even a wall breaks when there's too much of pressure from the opposite side.
Think of that.
Tao Of Love
"After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love does not mean leaning and company does not mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts and presents are not promises.
And you begin to accept rejection with your head up and your eyes clear, with the grace
of an adult, not the heartache of a child.
And you learn to build your life on now, because tomorrow is too uncertain.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
Plant your own garden and decorate your soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And after a while you learn that you really have infinite worth"
And you learn that love does not mean leaning and company does not mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts and presents are not promises.
And you begin to accept rejection with your head up and your eyes clear, with the grace
of an adult, not the heartache of a child.
And you learn to build your life on now, because tomorrow is too uncertain.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
Plant your own garden and decorate your soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And after a while you learn that you really have infinite worth"
Monday, August 8, 2011
Smiley
This might sound funny. But this post is about a smiley faced lollipop.
Yes, it is as simple as it sounds. That piece of heaven I found smiling up at me in an unknown land. I rummaged through a mall, looked all around, found things and then gave up on them, for different reasons every time. But when I lay my eyes on this little candy, I couldn't look away. The more I tried, the more it just sat there and smiled at me. Okay well, let me tell you, I wasn't the only one, obviously. But nevertheless, it caught my eye. I've always had a thing for tiny lollipops, but this particular yellow smiley faced one man, there was something about it really. It didn't ask for my attention, but got it anyway. And when I finally held it in my hands, I found myself smiling too. And boy had it been real long since those muscles had had any movement at all. I opened the wrapper for the first time and I saw Him roll his eyes at me. 'She just needs a distraction' he thought.
Maybe, maybe that's all I needed. He'd never understand. He never had.
That didn't matter. I had you. For now at least.
And you were just right smiley. Not too sweet, and just that right amount of sour.
You lasted for a long time, more than I or anyone else expected you to last for. Through the bitter beer, through the nasty rum, your taste evened it out. Made it taste a little better. Just for a while. Everyone around me saw me getting addicted to you, going on and on about how awesome you were and even when I didn't, my face showed that happiness of a little girl who was ecstatic to find that lollipop after a long dose of bitter medicine.
But somewhere deep down, I knew smiley, I knew that you'd be gone, your sweet sourness will only be a thing I can think about and smile. So I took pictures of you, stole some from others, and kept reminding myself of the smile you brought on my face.
Lines from a song repeated in my head over and over again 'Like everything I've known, you'll disappear one day'
So I looked at you and kept you close to my heart. I didn't open the wrapper for the second time, I didn't dare to, cuz I knew you'd disappear soon enough.
So now, till now, I think of you, whenever life brings me down, whenever you're not around, cuz you brought back the lost child in me baby. You did :)
Yes, it is as simple as it sounds. That piece of heaven I found smiling up at me in an unknown land. I rummaged through a mall, looked all around, found things and then gave up on them, for different reasons every time. But when I lay my eyes on this little candy, I couldn't look away. The more I tried, the more it just sat there and smiled at me. Okay well, let me tell you, I wasn't the only one, obviously. But nevertheless, it caught my eye. I've always had a thing for tiny lollipops, but this particular yellow smiley faced one man, there was something about it really. It didn't ask for my attention, but got it anyway. And when I finally held it in my hands, I found myself smiling too. And boy had it been real long since those muscles had had any movement at all. I opened the wrapper for the first time and I saw Him roll his eyes at me. 'She just needs a distraction' he thought.
Maybe, maybe that's all I needed. He'd never understand. He never had.
That didn't matter. I had you. For now at least.
And you were just right smiley. Not too sweet, and just that right amount of sour.
You lasted for a long time, more than I or anyone else expected you to last for. Through the bitter beer, through the nasty rum, your taste evened it out. Made it taste a little better. Just for a while. Everyone around me saw me getting addicted to you, going on and on about how awesome you were and even when I didn't, my face showed that happiness of a little girl who was ecstatic to find that lollipop after a long dose of bitter medicine.
But somewhere deep down, I knew smiley, I knew that you'd be gone, your sweet sourness will only be a thing I can think about and smile. So I took pictures of you, stole some from others, and kept reminding myself of the smile you brought on my face.
Lines from a song repeated in my head over and over again 'Like everything I've known, you'll disappear one day'
So I looked at you and kept you close to my heart. I didn't open the wrapper for the second time, I didn't dare to, cuz I knew you'd disappear soon enough.
So now, till now, I think of you, whenever life brings me down, whenever you're not around, cuz you brought back the lost child in me baby. You did :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
His Roommate
This is a tribute to you, his roommate.
The one he hugged when he went to sleep, the one he would talk about constantly, though call you an idiot. Also the one who has his best friend in a new city. Yes, this is for you.
I can't begin to express how much I envy you, for being there by his side all this while, when he suddenly got grumpy or when he suddenly started smiling. I wanted to be there for those moments, and those times when I sincerely wished I was you, because you got to hug him and sleep during the night. But I also thank you for the same and many other things.
This is to you who always he believed that he was a innocent even though all proved against.
To you, who was convinced that he loved me, even though he said he didn't. How were you so sure?
For all those times when you let me cry on your shoulder and heard every sob story I had to say about him. And the belief you gave me, that someday, it would all be alright.
You've seen our relationship since it was an infant. And you've seen it grow and fall down and bruise itself over and over again. You were there when it died, it's slow painful death. And you saw how it killed me and didn't touch him. You were there through it all, when after all, you were a stranger to me. I am eternally thankful.
I still remember the time when you told me to give it another shot, cause you said you knew how he felt. Just that thought gave me happiness. You always give me happiness. And ironically, more than he did, at that point. There were times when he said I should be with you, cause you understood me that well. Also those times, when he would scream at me for talking to you so much. Wow. I never thought I'd see him insecure.
Also, the most painful time, when I realized he moved on from me, and it killed me a little everyday, you urged me to talk to him. You tried to show him my pain. It's not your fault he didn't care, I'm just glad you did. And that time when I saw him love someone else, I just wish you were there, cause you'd know exactly how to make it better, with your stupid jokes, or just that reassuring hug.
He might call you the biggest idiot in the world and beat you up when he's frustrated. Deep down, he's just a confused child who needs that best friend to bully over. And he found you. But I'm glad. Because no one understands him the way you do, or ever will. He might think he knows you inside out, when it's quite the contrary.
And I will always be thankful to him, for bringing you into my life. Because even if things aren't the same between Him and me, there's nothing changing what's between the both of us.
You are the best friend anyone could have. And you'd make a splendid boyfriend too. I'll be your wing man. :)
Now, I'm a stronger person, I've moved on. But someday there will be another guy who comes along, with another roommate. And that day, I'll find another friend :)
I trust you to be that support for him and take care of the idiot that he is.
Dash and Dhruv, this is for both of you and I don't even need to say why.
You'll always be my angel in disguise :)
The one he hugged when he went to sleep, the one he would talk about constantly, though call you an idiot. Also the one who has his best friend in a new city. Yes, this is for you.
I can't begin to express how much I envy you, for being there by his side all this while, when he suddenly got grumpy or when he suddenly started smiling. I wanted to be there for those moments, and those times when I sincerely wished I was you, because you got to hug him and sleep during the night. But I also thank you for the same and many other things.
This is to you who always he believed that he was a innocent even though all proved against.
To you, who was convinced that he loved me, even though he said he didn't. How were you so sure?
For all those times when you let me cry on your shoulder and heard every sob story I had to say about him. And the belief you gave me, that someday, it would all be alright.
You've seen our relationship since it was an infant. And you've seen it grow and fall down and bruise itself over and over again. You were there when it died, it's slow painful death. And you saw how it killed me and didn't touch him. You were there through it all, when after all, you were a stranger to me. I am eternally thankful.
I still remember the time when you told me to give it another shot, cause you said you knew how he felt. Just that thought gave me happiness. You always give me happiness. And ironically, more than he did, at that point. There were times when he said I should be with you, cause you understood me that well. Also those times, when he would scream at me for talking to you so much. Wow. I never thought I'd see him insecure.
Also, the most painful time, when I realized he moved on from me, and it killed me a little everyday, you urged me to talk to him. You tried to show him my pain. It's not your fault he didn't care, I'm just glad you did. And that time when I saw him love someone else, I just wish you were there, cause you'd know exactly how to make it better, with your stupid jokes, or just that reassuring hug.
He might call you the biggest idiot in the world and beat you up when he's frustrated. Deep down, he's just a confused child who needs that best friend to bully over. And he found you. But I'm glad. Because no one understands him the way you do, or ever will. He might think he knows you inside out, when it's quite the contrary.
And I will always be thankful to him, for bringing you into my life. Because even if things aren't the same between Him and me, there's nothing changing what's between the both of us.
You are the best friend anyone could have. And you'd make a splendid boyfriend too. I'll be your wing man. :)
Now, I'm a stronger person, I've moved on. But someday there will be another guy who comes along, with another roommate. And that day, I'll find another friend :)
I trust you to be that support for him and take care of the idiot that he is.
Dash and Dhruv, this is for both of you and I don't even need to say why.
You'll always be my angel in disguise :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Almost Lover
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick
Well I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images no
Well I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and i'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did i make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
The palm trees swaying in the wind images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick
Well I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images no
Well I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and i'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did i make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
That sunny day
I'll come around on sunny day darling
When your grass is fresh and green
and your birds sing songs so happy
The songs you sang for me
I'll come around darling
when I can take the heat of the blazing sun
and love it for what it is,
And if that's not love,
then my darling, what is?
I'll come around my love
The day you realize what you've done
I'll come around for sure,
the day you make me your sun.
And I'll wait my dear
for that day to come along,
I'll wait, I'll play that same old song,
till my dear, that familiar tune shows you the way,
And I'll wait my dear, for that fine sunny day.
When your grass is fresh and green
and your birds sing songs so happy
The songs you sang for me
I'll come around darling
when I can take the heat of the blazing sun
and love it for what it is,
And if that's not love,
then my darling, what is?
I'll come around my love
The day you realize what you've done
I'll come around for sure,
the day you make me your sun.
And I'll wait my dear
for that day to come along,
I'll wait, I'll play that same old song,
till my dear, that familiar tune shows you the way,
And I'll wait my dear, for that fine sunny day.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Numb
Do I feel anything running through my veins?
Do I feel the cool water when it rains?
Do I know if you love me?
Was it love that ever freed me?
When I close my eyes I'm colourblind
When I open, there's nothing I find
I'm dancing, the music's in my head
I wake up and find tear stains on my bed
What have I turned into?
What have I become? Am I still living, or am I just numb?
Do I feel the cool water when it rains?
Do I know if you love me?
Was it love that ever freed me?
When I close my eyes I'm colourblind
When I open, there's nothing I find
I'm dancing, the music's in my head
I wake up and find tear stains on my bed
What have I turned into?
What have I become? Am I still living, or am I just numb?
Monday, May 9, 2011
Rain
He: "well, i can’t stop the pain
when it calls
i’m a man
and i can’t stop the rain
when it falls, my darling
who can?"
Me: My darling, hold an umbrella.
when it calls
i’m a man
and i can’t stop the rain
when it falls, my darling
who can?"
Me: My darling, hold an umbrella.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Quench
You wanted water, I hope your thirst is quenched. Bye
The last message you wanted it to be. How could that happen? It's us after all.
I see you running, towards her and away from me. And you tell me you're standing right there, only trying to build her world again. And what about mine? Are you okay with crushing it with your foot?
I've always been possessive of love. Since I was little, if anyone touched my mom, I would make angry faces at them and bang my own head against the floor. Maybe you're right, I haven't grown up. And maybe when I grow up, I'll kill. Well you also never know who I am talking about here.
So busy trying to build her world that those 3 words just slipped out did they? So easily, when all my trust and insecurities were in those 3 words, how could you just go give them away? Add another word to that and it would still be true. 4 words. 4, my lucky number. Ha.
And then you say I didn't mean it, does she know that? I am tempted to run to her, and tell her myself, stay away, you're only a season. Don't take away the rest of the seasons of his love and his life.
If this means I'm insecure, maybe I am, maybe I always will be. Was Acceptance the part you missed out?
I've cut and pasted parts of life for you and this last thread I'm hanging on after the terrible way it was severed. For you. For you being six, divided by the two of us, making it 3, your lucky number
I do understand math.
And I do love you,
But I'm still thirsty.
The last message you wanted it to be. How could that happen? It's us after all.
I see you running, towards her and away from me. And you tell me you're standing right there, only trying to build her world again. And what about mine? Are you okay with crushing it with your foot?
I've always been possessive of love. Since I was little, if anyone touched my mom, I would make angry faces at them and bang my own head against the floor. Maybe you're right, I haven't grown up. And maybe when I grow up, I'll kill. Well you also never know who I am talking about here.
So busy trying to build her world that those 3 words just slipped out did they? So easily, when all my trust and insecurities were in those 3 words, how could you just go give them away? Add another word to that and it would still be true. 4 words. 4, my lucky number. Ha.
And then you say I didn't mean it, does she know that? I am tempted to run to her, and tell her myself, stay away, you're only a season. Don't take away the rest of the seasons of his love and his life.
If this means I'm insecure, maybe I am, maybe I always will be. Was Acceptance the part you missed out?
I've cut and pasted parts of life for you and this last thread I'm hanging on after the terrible way it was severed. For you. For you being six, divided by the two of us, making it 3, your lucky number
I do understand math.
And I do love you,
But I'm still thirsty.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Edging to the End
When people used to say things have just begun, I used to believe them. Believe them with all I had. I liked beginnings. But then, I was a dreamer. I believed in happy endings and a knight in shining armour, among other innocent things. Now, it feels like things only begin to end sometime. That's the first thought that enters into my head 'Shit, now that it's begun, when's it gonna end?'
This is what you've turned me into. I'm taking my liberties in blaming and criticizing you, because not in a million years are you going to read this. Finally letting go and breaking open. You've got a hardcore romantic believing in bitter endings instead of happily ever afters. How could you have the heart to do that? Kill the child within a person and develop a hard bitter person. Bitter. That's what I am.
But for some reason you love this person? I question your mere existence. What the hell are you? You love the dark and dirty side of me, and not the innocent squeaky clean side which everyone does. Is that what makes you different?
Is that what makes me love you?
'You're Dependent', you say. Dependent for the plain fact that I love you? HOW?
I'm questioning so many things to the open universe, waiting with my mouth and arms wide open for answers. I'm screaming, wailing. But to no freaking avail. I'm still thirsty. If this means the end, just give it to me. I'd rather just grieve than feel nothing at all.
And for all that you've done, in turning me into this person, The one thing you haven't done is, how what happens in between?
I'm trying to close my eyes and get through this. Help me out
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