All the things I want to say to you. Well mostly.

I didn’t want us to be together any more than you did I just thought it was nice the feel of the small of your back and I liked talking to you liked the way you thought I was crazy liked feeling wild again because I’ve lost that you know that something that used to thump against my rib cage and make me wanna rip the dawn right out of the sky and tack it to the lids of your eyes and I wasn’t asking for the world you know just the feel of you there and your silence

Because even if we ran out of things to say I don’t think it’d bother me much don’t think it would send my bones to rattle and okay maybe I talk too much and try to connect too much and maybe the line I said about your heart beat didn’t sound as poetic out loud as it did in my head but I’m a zany case of skin and I can’t help it that you make me buzz electric and it’s not my fault that in my mind we’re just two lightning bugs like darting stars in tall grass

And don’t bother with your words I know them all by heart could stick them to needle point and sell them at craft fairs I know you mean well mean the very most well the very most well of any good intentioned backwards glance I’ve ever seen because you really have the loveliest eyes like scoopable eyes like spoon out and set for marbeling eyes like eyes that jelly my knees and make me wanna write and say too many awkward things

And even in this unspooling I’ve said too much and even in this unchaining you are still the silhouette of two arms of two legs and a head with two ears standing in the door frame of a red-light-lit-95-square-foot dorm room with the smell of alcohol prickling your nose and it’s okay this going it’s okay this goodbye because I don’t need to be heart broken to miss you and I don’t need to want to share a togetherness to feel a sense of loss however small however fleeting however inked however creeping it may be.

P.S- Since that wasn't the right time to talk about it, and to your face it would never be, because I'll turn to jelly right there. I just needed to get something across cause I hate regret more than anything else on earth. 

P.P.S- In case you're wondering, I didn't write all of it. Apparently someone feels the same way about someone else :O 

Apologies if I'm coming across as loony. 

Love, 

Ju

Tere Naina

They make me forget things. Your eyes. Make the world around a haze, like a photograph taken with a low shutter speed. Insert me in that picture, just gazing, at those magnificent pair of eyes that God created. I could write poetry on them, your eyes. For every time you look at me, just even glance by, my heart stops beating for a while I swear. They look like they've seen so much. So much wonder, so much pain, so much love....they turn this devastated cranky hag into a hopelessly romantic adolescent, your eyes. I would gaze at them forever, if I could. When you lie on my lap, dreaming of things I haven't seen, I sit still- Not only because you look so comfortable, because I don't want to miss the first moment when your eye lids open and reveal your Hazel Irises.
They make me see the beauty in others, your eyes. I don't know how that's possible, but since I've seen yours, I have a special thing for eyes. I now describe people as, 'the girl with nice eyes'. Yeah, very specific I  know.
On August 15th, the day the country celebrated, I celebrated too. My heart leaped with joy, the moment you came up to stage and told me your name. Okay fine, told everyone your name. Though it felt like they were talking to me you know, your eyes I mean. I didn't see your rugged beard or worn out tee and shorts. All I saw were those two little doors to heaven situated on the top region of your face, and I thought to myself then, 'ooh, nice eyes' (I think I said it out too).
They make me feel unapologetic, your eyes. I know that's giving them too much credit. But really, they give me this confidence that I've never felt before. A confidence to not hide away my feelings no matter what they are. They give me the confidence to look anyone in the eye and say things that I wouldn't usually muster the courage to say. So, they empower me, your eyes. And that's quite a bit for a pair of eyes if you ask me.
Are they really a window to your soul though? Cuz I'm in love with your eyes, if that isn't evident already. It's not everyday I write an ode to someone's sensory organs. If they really are a window to your soul, I can't wait to look through those windows to see what lies beyond. I can't wait to plunge into those Hazel seas and find that treasure you've kept so well hidden.



Actually,
I can wait.
I'll wait for all eternity if I can gaze at your eyes in the meanwhile. 

These two months.

My journey of retrospection comes to pause at this brilliant phase of life. I halt to look back at what I left behind and what I've come to learn from these months, that have already begun to change my life and my process of thinking, as I knew it.

These two months, they've taught me firstly, to let go of a life I imagined..they brought me face to face with an unimaginable plethora of opportunities that were right there all along.

They've taught me to stand up on my own two feet and jump till my fingers can touch the sky.
They've shown me montages of separation, and then showed me paintings, beautiful paintings of reunion.
They've have taught me, finally, to see who stood in the rain without an umbrella, waiting for me to look down and who left at the slightest greying of the skies.
They've shown me that love is not something I can predict, nor something I can stop. And when it did hit me, I realized that it was painless, without expectations, without that pit in the stomach I always felt.
In these two months, I realized that a pair of eyes can see so much, and speak so much without the mouth uttering a word. I also saw the power they had to hold my soul, captivate my senses and pull me into an embrace which left me tingling with it's remains. And sometimes, they speak stories..of a far away land and a light they once lost...
It has shown me that three girls, with nothing much in common, from three very diverse backgrounds could create instant magic whenever they met.
These months have thrown me off balance, pushed me kilometers away from my comfort zone and shown me that my choices can make me, almost every time.
It has proved to me, the love of a family. One bound by blood, and another by mere proximity. It has shown me that both hold great value in a person's life. It has made me realize the importance of a mother's love, a sister's affection and a father's concern. The ingenuity of these relationships are irreplaceable.
It has shown me, that understanding people doesn't take months, years or decades. It takes one moment and one look at that perfect time, and you know you've found a friend for life.
It has shown me that hugs are healers, and any bad mood can be cured by the warmth that it creates.
It has taught me, that teachers can be friends, and good ones at that. And then, it's so much easier to gain anything from someone, who you have some sort of relationship with.
I have learnt to shut my ears from things that have the potential to affect me and clear my eyes from tears that are threatening to fall every now and then.
I have learnt, to hold my tongue, to analyze every little thing that passes through the hallways of my brain before it slips out of the gateway of my mouth.
I have learnt to be courteous, to hold the door for anyone who accompanies me.
I have learnt to be patient, to hold my breath, for things will take their destined course.
I have learnt that there is a certain comfort in living uncomfortably, because that is the true meaning of living.

I am learning, something new everyday, something exciting, something challenging. Something that makes me fall in love with imaging and aesthetics, something that awakens my senses and let's me dream.

I am finding my wings, and I'm finally learning to fly. 

Closer

I won't Try, I won't come any closer I swear
I'll give you, your space To breathe, and all The Time To erase The memory of her
I'll hold my breath Till That fine day, when you decide you're stronger
I'll hold on, I'll keep myself rooted, no Matter how longer
Filling up That empty spot in your heart is not why I'm Holding on
I want To learn of love, love That withstands, love That's so strong
Love That frees your senses, love That gives you inspiration,
The feeling of mad, passionate love, I'm looking for That sensation.
I want To hold you real Tight, and Tell you you'll be fine,
But I'm scared to come any closer, I'm scared To cross That line.
What if its The proximity you don't want,
What If its The sight of me that confuses you.
No, Take your time, I'm stepping back, 
Someday, I hope in me you'll find 
those streaks of red in your walls of black. 

J <3 font="font">

Gam zeh ya'avor

Like every delicate drop that falls,
From the hands of the little girl,
And every grain of sand that escapes
from her palm, like a bright pearl,

She will learn in time,
that those moments will wait for none
And she will learn that once they pass,
They cannot be undone.

She will see times of Happiness,
of unparalleled joy and trust,
But when she'll want to touch them,
She'll watch them turn to dust

She will dance in the wind,
gently gliding to and fro,
but when the storm comes through,
She'll know to rest her wings, as this will pass too.

All her love and all the strife,
Like other moments that passed her by,  Are but the drops of a larger well,
And when she gazes,
She'll look back inside,
Those moments that passed,
Made her life.


- Written as Narration for 5 shot exercise on the topic 'This too shall pass'

The Fool

The fool sat around in the sidelines, as always, and watched with wide eyes as he walked away again, a different person on his side yet again. She saw the way he looked at her. That warmth in his eyes. She recognized it, because that's the warmth she felt in herself every time she looked at him. That feeling of being complete and whole and loved.... But he didn't love her. His eyes never turned warm when he looked at her. Instead every time she looked at him, he turned away, sighing quietly, wondering when it would end. Wondering when she would stop thinking about him.

She wondered too, when would it end. When would she stop being the fool. But she knew it would only end when she stopped loving him, only when she threw him out of her life. When she closed herself up so totally, all over again, that no one, and this time not a single soul could come and ruin her personal paradise. Nobody would be allowed through those thick, thick walls. Every time she prepared herself for it, he'd come back again and tear them down, just like that. Just because he could. For the fun of it maybe. To see the light in her eyes, for those brief seconds, when she thought, she finally had him...
And then he'd kiss her on her forehead and be on his way. Laughing and sighing silently, for she'd fallen for it again. The fool that she was! Haha.

Not anymore. This, definitely was the last straw. The one thing he had despised most about her, he went right out and did exactly that. The Hypocrite. But she wasn't doing it anymore, falling for his two words of love. NEVER.

This was the end of the fool. She would have to kill that heart that was beating for him. Kill it because if he knew it was hidden, he'd play his games again. Not again.

 "And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn" 

You

Somebody buy me a cupcake. Somebody ask me if I'd like to have one. Somebody hold my hand and ask me which one I'd like, and smile when you see my face lite up with innocent and childish joy. Somebody bring back that child. Somebody make me laugh so hard that tears fall off and you gasp at the tears that roll down my cheeks. Somebody take me on a tonga and sing old Hindi songs with me in the rain, while living out some crazy movie.
I could be that somebody for myself, do all that stuff alone and still have a good time. But good times would just become better if I somebody to share them with. You know?
Come fast you. 

Hello, perfection

November 21st 2010, you turned to me and said 'What about my hug?' and on the stage of that event in front of 2500 gaping people, we hugged. The warmth of that hug and the warmth of everything that was there in between came across so beautifully in that one moment, and like they say, the rest is history. For me, that's when it started. Though I know that for you, our story started way before I even realized it did.
It has been exactly a year, 7 months and 10 days since then. And I haven't been more thankful to God that you came my way. If AIESEC has impacted my life, you are probably the biggest and best it can get.
From those auto rides and never ending lunches where you refused for me to pay to those extremely long OCMs, where I'd just break down at the end of it, and you just held me and told me it would be okay. He'd hurt me, and I would run to you and cry about it, selfishly, not really what I was actually doing. If I'd only known...
There's always a side of me which said that nothing could get more perfect than you. And that's the biggest part of me, which still believes. Which still gives you everything all over again, just to start over.
These two years have taught both of us valuable lessons. In love, friendship, jealousy, trust and so much more than I'll ever know. But through all the shit and the rainbows, I know. That the moment you smile at me, it'll all be okay. You give me those premature ventricular contractions they talk about in movies. Just that, I'm not sure what we'll ever be. And maybe, after these years, I've reached a point where I never want to as well. Nobody has seen me as bipolar, rude, lovable, PMSing, gentle and all that put together as you have. And even if they have, they gave up and walked away long back. That was my cue, you didn't.

I may want to give up on you a million times. (At certain points, I really wish I could) But that tiny part inside of me is always saying I'm an ass for thinking so much and trying so hard. There's this song I heard, called You got a way. And nothing has ever described what I feel about you more aptly. Really, you have got a way with me. And that's just one song. Lol.

Long ago, you had said to me that I could never do justice to a blogpost about you.. I guess I can't. I owe just too much to you to even think about. Periods of not talking to you seem like the world is conspiring against me. All of a sudden, everyone around me wants to talk about what an awesome person you are. Every man standing next to me is suddenly a Kartik or is talking to someone called Kartik. Blame South India, but this place is full of your namesakes. And suddenly, the radio plays Drown With Me... What is a poor girl to do?

You know, Someday, I'd like to be given the opportunity to make your day, like you always make mine. Just for one day, I'd like to be your sunshine, like you are mine.
And like I told you.. on 14th February 2011, to me, you are perfection. And no matter, how much I run to the imperfection, your radiance just pulls me back home :) Even if you aren't around, reading your letter over and over again gives me a certain courage I had doubted I possessed.


And you know what, I've had enough of being 'in love' with what I thought was you. That idea of a person... Hidden beneath all that somewhere, STILL, lies my perfection. And that's no idea. That's the person I know and love. And maybe I'm a fool in love, but for you, that foolishness, a 100 times over. 


Happy 21st Kartik Bhatia. I love you with every little piece of my heart and always will. You're a big boy now, time to stop acting like a sissy you think? 
Grow some balls and get here fast. (Though just to clarify, I'm not missing you okay?)
Now you can fug off.

Love, hugs, kisses,bites and other nasty things,
Jugsaan


P.S- This didn't come out the way I wanted it too. Maybe a blogpost can't actually do justice to you :/
But one day, I'll make it up to you munchkin.

Kyun rota hai?

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya

Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya
Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Duniya mein yunhi hota hai
Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain

Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai

Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

That one mistake

The moment it happened, I knew it shouldn't have. It was wrong from the very beginning and it had the potential to ruin something that was right, very right. But it did happen, there's no mistaking it. No point in denying it, pretending it never happened, because it did. And I was ashamed. What was I thinking. Why. How. When my thoughts and heart were so far away from that cold place, nestled (then) cozily in him. It was  all about him, even when we were apart. I missed him then, but that was the time when he missed me back. Where did I lose that person somewhere along the way.. My perfection. How could I lose him.

Will he ever forgive me? Put it behind him? Will he value what was there in the past and forgive that one stupid mistake that I made.. will he.

HYPOCRITE. My head shouts. And hypocrite. That's what I am. I blamed him for not being a friend, for not being the person he was. How could he, obviously. How could he pretend it didn't affect him.

And now I lost him, lost his faith in me and everything that we had. Just like that. Because of that one mistake. That boy who was once possessive, protective, loving, tender and perfect, now doesn't even care enough to pretend to like me. How could I..

But now only time will tell. And only time heal.

How do I do this alone Munchkin? It wasn't supposed to be you. It wasn't.

And I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for hurting you.

Forgive me.

Space. Lots of it.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

That dose of happiness.

You need to kiss the damn person you want to kiss and just be done with it. It’s important to feel like you can still surprise yourself. We put up these walls now just so we can break them down later and feel like we’ve grown. It’s not so much about the kiss itself. It’s more about proving to yourself that you can get what you want. You’re one ballsy move away from sublime happiness. - I guess all my walls are broken down, and HOW! :D


P.S- Didn't happen. I just like it :P

Screwed up fairy tale

Yes, go on it's your turn now.
Strap on your wings, get prepared for take off.
Say your last goodbyes.
Wipe your last tears,
Before they fade away themselves.

Don't worry about me.
I'll hold on
Though I want to run behind you,
Cling on to you and never let go..
But, well, that's not the way it's destined to be is it?
So I'll wave at you too, with tears in my eyes.
Brimming and threatening to fall
And clouding my already clouded vision.

How do I say I miss you?
Why would you believe me?
And when did it get so hard?
But it's been full of goodbyes, this year.
I'm sure I can deal with one more.

Just.One.More.

I wish it would just stop with that you know. I wish I could just hold on to every moment tight, so tight that it would never fade away. But that's the thing, it passes. It all does. Memories, things, people.
And then, another chapter comes to a close. And Snap. All it's characters and situations are gone with it.

All my people, in all my chapters. That's all I want. How hard is that to fulfill huh?

Sights, Sounds, Smells- Mumbai 2012

They say, you can never really find yourself, if you haven't been completely lost at first.


This is an ode to a city, a lifetime and a parallel universe which transported me, more than just over miles.
To a life which I could see my self leading and to the people who I can see myself loving through the years.


'What am I even doing here?'
was the first thought that crossed my mind when I sat down in a broken cab who's driver used beautifully degrading words at everything that passed by. But being the ever ready tourist that I am, seeing new things and staring at different people gave me an incomparable joy- Everyone in this city seemed to walk steadfastly, everyone had somewhere to be. You could dance in the center of the road and do the shimee to everyone who walks by, but they've probably already seen someone like you before. Hah.

The notion of being a small town girl came and went, especially everytime I gazed up at the sky scrapers and counted the floors of the building, trying to match them to the ones back home. The existence of multi-storeyed hotels and chawls, in perfect harmony is what makes Mumbai so different (among other things). The city never really sleeps, Carter Road and Marine Drive always seemed to have enough couples at equal intervals, no matter what time of the day or night you visit them.

Documenting even a day in Mumbai would be impossible. There's so much to do, so much to see and SO much to take in!
The tourist expression never really left my face, Srushti said. Well, it is true, if I had to choose to get lost anywhere in the world, I'd choose Bombay. No kidding.

Among the sight seeing and daily doses of fascination that I managed to do pretty well alone, this trip would have been nothing (N.O.T.H.I.N.G) without those brilliant, warm and gorgeous people I met. That was, one of the things I was looking forward to the most. Putting faces to the BBM chats and random conversations. And pheew could there be better faces than that? :P

This trip was a wild one, even for someone like me. I came to the city knowing barely 2 people, making a mental note not to call family for help and support. My Graduation trip turned into a work experience, and strangers turned into soulsisters, if I may say so (read: Behnas). My,What a whirlwind ride it has been...
I had a roomie for the first time in my life! And after the initial 'how do i behave here' phase, we realized that we were pretty much the same person. Where were you all my life Mehndi? :)
From midnight escapades (never had those with a girl :P ) to digging so deep into each others lives that it was impossible to get out, you Ms Iyer, were just what I needed from this trip.
Kalyani, the super efficient Guju perfectionist with this strange craving for food and Nadiya, the hyper little cuckoo bird with so much to say and so much love to give to everyone. Just what we needed to complete that mixed bag of creatures that Prithvish had picked out so carefully (LOL) And yes Mr Uppal, no matter what anyone says, you'll always be mine first :P All rights reserved.
Just those certain moments, here and there, between all the rush and the confusion were enough to keep me going through those 2 weeks. Putting those into words wouldn't really do justice to what I've felt. I've felt a plethora of colourful emotions, all at once; Severe doses of happiness and excitement were what caused those major headaches, if you're wondering. The final product of our efforts was evident. Couldn't have been any prouder.

Mumbai, you turned this averagely normal girl into an item who sang lame songs in an unknown city at the top of her voice. You made her believe that she could swim her way through troubled waters and reach the shore without any harm.
You taught her to dream and believe in the dreams that she dreamt.
You showed her that hard work DOES pay off, and there will always be those who will recognize what you do.
You brought back a side of her, she had lost somewhere along the way.
In you, she found herself. In you, she found a reflection of everything that she is and everything that she wants to be. In you, she found infinite hope for a brighter day after, because sometimes, even tomorrow can be a little hazy.

You accepted her, with open arms, just like the people of your wonderful city and made her feel like your own. It's not a surprise that everyone who leaves you, will always feel personally towards you, 'Aamchi Mumbai', how apt.

But we aren't done yet, there's yet another rendezvous to be completed, lots of things to be lost and found and so many things left to taste and feel (Yeah, I didn't get to eat enough)

Nevertheless, it's been one trip worth making. Worth every experience, bad, good and beautiful.

You lived up to my expectations Mumbai, I hope I was good too.

Letters to you Part II- Yeh Kya Hua?

Dear Munchkin, 'Yeh Kya Hua, kaise hua?' What happened this month? How did so many things change? I feel like a different person you know. Since the last time that I wrote to you, my world has gone upside down. Now thinking about it, I'd rather go back to then. Then had nanima, then had a happier time in so many more senses. What kind of phase is this? And why us? Bas hogya bhai. Bas karo ab. That's what I feel like telling the guy upstairs. This isn't a joke you know. You NEED to put a stop to this sometime. And sometime soon would be much appreciated. Even with you, what am I doing? This doesn't feel like anything I've ever felt before. Good Lord. So I was reading this really sappy post today about how a guy should treat a girl. I paused after each sentence. For years before this, I would put it off saying it was stupid and no guy is capable of treating a girl THAT nicely. I have most certainly been blind. Romance isn't really the word to put to it. I'm not sure what is either. I'd like to define that someday. Yesterday, when you said I love you back, my heart skipped a beat or more. Because I know you wouldn't say it unless you actually mean it. Maybe it was seasoned with humor, but well, even that was enough to keep the smile alive. It doesn't matter to me if you miss me or not, no seriously, it doesn't. Because you're here *points at heart* and here *points at mind* But I'm still letting you fly away. Yes, you're mine, but you need your time to figure that out maybe. And yeah, maybe your right, I can't be pissed off with you. But if I can't be pissed off without you, you can't live without me either. Just you remember that. And I'm sorry. That I expected you to speak, expected to hear things that you had said to someone else. Somewhere down the line, I had forgotten that things were unspoken between us and that expectations kill a relationship and more than that. But no, no. I didn't and won't let this one die. "Dil khudgarz hai Pisla hai yeh phir haath se Kal uska raha Abb hai tera Iss raat se.." What is past, is past baby. I've learnt that from you. But there's a reason you made it to my present and a reason why you'll be there in my future. We'll figure it out, together. I'm chuckling again, yeh kya hogya? How come I'm not cribbing anymore? (I surprise myself sometimes) But well,it maybe growing up, it maybe acceptance or a bit of both :) Nevertheless, I love the feeling and it's probably the only positive thing I've got going in life right now, So I'm hanging on to it for a bit ;) <3

Letters to You. Part I- No one's exception

Dear Munchkin,

I know I saw you just a few hours back but it feels like a long time. And what I'm doing right now seems juvenile, writing letters to you knowing you'll never ever see it and knowing that it won't mean a thing to you even if you do.
Well one reason why this morning feels like a decade back is because, so much changed in those few hours. All that our friend told me about you was coming true bit by bit. Ah. And I thought you were different. He told me not to push you out of my life, but I can't let you come in and dig deeper and deeper.. For it has no meaning. We're both holding on to our pasts. Just in different ways. But baby, even this day has come. And again! Like the last time, I let you fly. Be where you need to be. I trusted you to know the best, and I still do. I just don't trust you with my heart anymore.
Somehow baby, I always find the right guys for someone else. Someone who's willing to let everything and everyone go for that One girl. But unfortunately, I've never been that girl. I thought I'd be the exception with you. But crash! No I wasn't. Your past still held on to you. And you didn't let go.

But that's okay. I'm not waiting. No. I'm just giving you away. Again.
And as I do that, I strike another one off my list.

We really couldve had it all. But guess you didn't want to.
So one more farewell. One more goodbye. Of what I made up in my mind.

All the happiness in the world to you. Excuse me, I'm a little overwhelmed.

<3

Daddy Dearest.

I've waited for this for a long time. To pen down these words. Type them out when I could think clearly and recollect everything that has happened. Maybe there are certain things I shouldn't recollect. Forget them, and erase them and more than everything else, forgive you.
It's Ironic. I shouldn't be writing about you papa. All these years I've hidden it from the world, but now and today I lost all sense of everything. It's like a cycle, everyday of our lives. Maybe that's why nothing seems so tough anymore, because everyday the three of us are battling internally with the most important man in our life. One 45, one 20 and One tenderly 10. And everyday is a new challenge for us, against you. We're stopping our tears from falling through the day, but we know when it will eventually fall, our pillows will be soaked in salty stains.
One simple question: what have we done to deserve this? What grave sin did anyone of us commit that one day of peace and happiness feels like a drop of rain in a drought. Why papa? I want to know how it feels to WANT to come back home. For once. Just to experience that life. Just once.
I keep thinking that there are positives coming out of this. Because that's the way I've been brought up you see, to find the positive in every situation. After 20 years of this, I think I'm finally ready to move forward from this. The questions in my mind will always be questions. But I've learnt that sometimes, your questions don't get answered and they never will.

So this is for you daddy dearest, a culmination of good bad and the ugly. Thank you for those valuable lessons. I'm forever indebted.
Thank you for always giving me the hard cold truth and not fluffing it up- because that's how life is, without any frills hard and cold. And it's never rainbows and butterflies, its ALWAYS compromise. I know that now.
Thank you for not picking me up as a child when I cried- because from then I've learnt that no one will ever be by my side when I'm Crying, its my battle and mine alone.
Thank you for the way you treated us- so now I know how I must not be treated my entire life. And so I know what is right and what wrong.
Thank you for the words- because now no matter what anyone says, I've always heard worse. From the place closest to my heart. So bring it on world, your insults will bounce off.
Thank you for not coming to see me perform- I stopped expecting after a while, and that reduced disappointments. Now whatever good happens, happens as a surprise.
Thank you for not pampering me like other fathers do- because now I'm tough, more than a man. And unafraid.
Thank you for chiding me when I cried- because that made me want to be strong in your eyes. And I stopped the tears.
Thank you for showing me through your actions, that I could trust no man, they'd all just give up or not try in the first place. Thank you papa, because I think I'm incapable of loving a man and have him love me back.

And many More things. My head isn't clear as it was in the beginning. It's shadowed with too many memories.

My eyes are stinging with the tears that I've cried tonight and for these twenty years. They sting with the pain that my mother and baby sister have felt because of you. But I have to be strong for them. And I will.. Because you never have.

I look at the girls who's fathers adore them, treat them like princesses and hold like gentle pearls in the palm of their hands and I wonder why everyone wasn't blessed with that kind of luck. I'd like to be someone's little girl. I'd like to light up someone's world too. I just haven't got the chance.
And God, if you're listening, I'd like this a little less for myself and a little more for the little girl who is afraid of men and needs to bloom. Also for the lady who's gone through 24 years of this, one beacon of hope? Just one. Until then we'll wait. Like we always have. In a our group hug of three people, we'd like you to join papa, someday. And we'll hope for that someday everyday of our lives papa, every morning is a new start after all.

Farewell

I need fresh air. Untouched and pure. I need new places, unseen and unpolluted. I need fresh thoughts, not cluttered and depressing. But I need old people, those who cared and trusted.
Holding on hurts like needles, poking into the very depths of my skin. And letting go, causes excruciating pain.

"She doesn't care anymore, let go", he said
"No, she promised she always would, and she knows the truth, somewhere deep down.."
"Stop fooling yourself, people change and leave. It's life, it's unfair"

It's time I took your advice maybe, all these efforts seem futile and the trust's gone, holding onto segments and grains of sand is pointless. So, finally its time to bid adieu, maybe a little too soon. But I've tried. Today, and many times before. It feels like digging up an old grave, a relationship that's dead and buried. So now I stop. I'll place a bunch of roses and lilies over what was and move on, because life has way more in store for me and you. I'll leave without a sound, ruining the beauty of what was by words just doesn't seem right.

This is the end my friend.
End of things as we knew them, and people and relationships that were.
This is the end my friend,
Of a life moving the way you want it to.
This is the end my friend,
Of yesterday's pain and today's fights.
This is The end my friend,
Of you and me and us.. This is the end.

I've loved you and I will miss you.
To a friendship that was,
Cheers.

Truly Mine.

“The winds that sometimes take something we love, are the same that bring us something we learn to love. Therefore we should not cry about something that was taken from us, but, yes, love what we have been given. Because what is really ours is never gone forever.”
― Bob Marley

I looked at his pictures on facebook, flipped through them angrily because he had made so many new friends and because I didn't feel a part of his life anymore. I stopped at a group picture and went through the tags to see what these new people were called. My cursor stopped at a girl who looked much like a bunny with bulging eyes and a goofy smile, but more than her looks, her name made me stop and think for a while and days to come later. Arya Anuranjitha. This girl shared first names with my first boyfriend, my first real love. How peculiar.

For two years, my ex's namesake still remained a face on a picture for me. Until the 13th of May 2011 happened. I packed my bags and ran off from the city I once loved the most because all it gave me then, was pain, despair and turned backs. So, I turned my back too and fled to a little town full of strangers.

Who knew strangers could be exactly what you needed?

Me: Even I've been wanting a tattoo forever.
Her: Me too man. There's this one phrase I want to get..
Me: Ya, which one? I've been wanting the phrase 'This too shall pass' for God knows how long
Her: Dude, are you kidding me? That's exactly what I want.

I swear, I have NEVER looked into a girl's eyes for longer. For me, time froze for those few seconds. That phrase was mine and that tattoo idea was mine too. That moment challenged all my ideas of, you need to know someone long enough to connect and yada yada yada. Arya, you piece of God knows what, you dropped into my life exactly when I needed you. The exact someone who I could exchange glances with, the one I could share awesome literature stuff with, and the person who shared music tastes with me so instantly. Everything for that matter, happened so instantly. From suddenly feeling sometimes lonely and clueless, I found direction and a much needed prod to to things that were right. From across the distance, you got me spectacularly well and time is witness to the fact that we, didn't let a boy come inbetween (thank god for that) Just as you constantly reminded me, he was just another boy, who did just the same thing as any other does. And after he left me too, I had you, to run back too.
Thank you for taking me back. And thank you for appreciating the little things which mattered so much to me which nobody saw but you. Thank you for the songs you played when we drank together. Thank you for those silent laughs which you just couldn't control, because they made me sit up straight and correct my act. Thank you for being the wisdom when I had none. Thank you for patiently showing me the right path Everysingletime. Thank you for showing me that no matter how much attention he gave me, at the end, he was a boy. And thank you for heart to heart, being that sister I never had.
I can never thank you enough for all that you've done or made me realize. Someday, you'll know the impact you've had on me :) But till then, I'll keep telling you.

Some people, come into your lives and go away as soon as they came, but some like you, have this insane capability of making people hold on to you. We can't do without you Arya :) it just doesn't happen.

And happy birthday love. Thank you for bringing my faith back in that word and showing me how much a Bhatia can rock ;)

I will always ALWAYS be by your side (whether you need me or not)

With love, hugs, kisses and other nasty things,
Ju

The Honeymoon that never ends

To you, who are meant for me, and know it heart to heart.



LOVE IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP.



Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is finished. You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry it on because it is comfortable, convenient, cozy. You can carry it on because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you… Relationship means something complete, finished, closed.

Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues– it is a continuum. It is a verb, not a noun.

And why do we reduce the beauty of relating to relationship? Why are we in such a hurry? Because to relate is insecure, and relationship is a security. Relationship has a certainty; relating is just a meeting of two strangers, maybe just an overnight stay and in the morning we say goodbye. Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow? And we are so afraid that we want to make it certain, we want to make it predictable. We would like tomorrow to be according to our ideas; we don't allow it freedom to have its own say. So we immediately reduce every verb to a noun.

You are in love with a woman or a man and immediately you start thinking of getting married. Make it a legal contract. Why? How does the law come into love? The law comes into love because love is not there. It is only a fantasy, and you know the fantasy will disappear. Before it disappears settle down, before it disappears do something so it becomes impossible to separate.


In a better world, with more meditative people, with a little more enlightenment spread over the earth, people will love, love immensely, but their love will remain a relating not a relationship. And I am not saying that their love will be only momentary. There is every possibility their love may go deeper than your love, may have a higher quality of intimacy, may
have something more of poetry and more of godliness in it. And there is every possibility their love may last longer than your so-called relationship ever lasts. But it will not be guaranteed by the law, by the court, by the policeman. The guarantee will be inner. It will be a commitment from the heart, it will be a silent communion.

If you enjoy being with somebody, you would like to enjoy it more and more. If you enjoy the intimacy, you would like to explore the intimacy more and more. And there are a few flowers of love which bloom only after long intimacies. There are seasonal flowers too; within six weeks they are there, in the sun, but within six weeks again they are gone forever. There
are flowers that take years to come, and there are flowers that take many years to come. The longer it takes, the deeper it goes. But it has to be a commitment from one heart to another heart. It has not even to be verbalized, because to verbalize it is to profane it. It has to be a silent commitment; eye to eye, heart to heart, being to being. It has to be understood, not said.

Forget relationships and learn how to relate. Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted– that's what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either! It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful.

To think that you know your wife is very, very ungrateful. How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different. Relate again, start again, don't take it for granted. And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That's what I mean by relating.

Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other's personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled. That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. And if you relate, and don't reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you. Exploring him, unawares you will be exploring yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too. Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation. Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful.

Hence I say relate. By saying relate, I mean remain continuously on a honeymoon. Go on searching and seeking each other, finding new ways of loving each other, finding new ways of being with each other. And each person is such an infinite mystery, inexhaustible, unfathomable, that it is not possible that you can ever say, "I have known her," or, "I have
known him." At the most you can say, "I have tried my best, but the mystery remains a mystery." In fact the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes. Then love is a constant adventure.

- Osho

To you, my soul mate

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

You left, a little too soon. Sure, you shook me up, showed me what I was doing wrong and made me believe, that somewhere, someone existed for me, and me only. You made me fall for love all over again and made me blush like a love struck teenager. But I was in love with no one, just with life, it's oddities and myself.
But then you left, without warning and without trace of the person who used to be. Holding on seemed futile, and letting go as always, was painful. So I'm stuck again, mid air, in between flying and crashing to the ground. With no promise of your hands below to catch me like they did before.
I will still celebrate every 13th, because that's when you came into my life and turned it topsy turvy. Nothing has been the same since that day, and it never will be. 'Destiny baby' I can almost hear you saying.. but I don't even remember your voice. I'm holding onto juvenile recordings and messages like they mean a lot. And suddenly, in a relationship where we promised there'd be no buts, all there seems to be are clouds of it everywhere.
But again, that's just me. I could really use your stupidity now, your voice and you. Without realizing, you affected my life and little too much at that. And then, just left. Somewhere I know, there is a trace of MY Afreen, I really wish he'd understand that.
Don't let me down like the others did. I've had enough of hiding my heart from the fear of it being broken. Don't break my heart.

And come back,
I could really use your love right now.

Fix Me

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.

One of those days, again..
I should've just stayed away. From you, her, him and everyone else. Living my own little world of make believe is so much more easier and happier. Believing in the space where we exist. Together. As one. That place where I thought you'd be, but when I reached there, it was pretty deserted. Some faint traces remained that vanished soon after.
I've stopped expecting anything from you, or your race. Being let down constantly just doesn't do much, for me, or my self confidence. Neither does being mid way.
Broken pieces levitating far from each other, hanging on to threads of what used to be. That's what I am. And I'm living keeping these broken pieces as they are. By fixing it, I'm giving you the power to shatter it all over again. No way am I taking that risk. Not again.
So non committal? Bring it on.

Deep inside me, there's a small hope that you'd realize that only you, have ever had the power to fix me back.

Someday, I hope you mean the words of the song you sing so often, looking so deeply into my eyes. Someday, I hope you could hold me tight and refuse to let go. And someday, I hope you realize, that our place, is where we're meant to be. For now, and forever.

Someday, I hope you can find me, and fix me.

+1 and -25

"It's not fair", I cry.
"Life's unfair", he says, almost nonchalantly.
"But..."

It's turning into a rhetorical statement almost.

Losing people never came easy to me. I wish I was one of those, who could detach as and when she wanted to. And hold on for exactly the time it was necessary. And just leave the pain behind as memories. Why does gaining one relationship mean losing so many others? How do emotions and feelings turn into smoke in a matter of a day, or a conversation? And what fueled that fire?

I've been searching the universe for this question and from everywhere came the reply, there's a reason people from your past didn't make it to your present. But then sometimes you just can't do without that support, or smile.
The conflict between my head and my heart is never ending. One fights for the logic that people left you because they had to, when the other argues that there isn't a question of leaving when it comes to love...


But now
The answer is pretty obvious actually.

She fell out of love too.

This date, last year and this one and for years to come.

Here's to you and me. For one year of this and that and them. And now, finally a day of us. Here's to you for making the cheesiest day of any girl's life, always the best of mine. The one day in these two years, where I promised myself I wouldn't see you, but I knew in the bottom of my heart, that you'd be there. And there you were. Man, the way things changed from the same time last year to now, the way we changed, the People we met, we loved. But still, despite it all, here we are, and still, you are my perfection. No matter who you killed, for years to come, you, Kartik Bhatia, will always be my perfection.
And you, Kartik Bhatia, cannot run away from this. It will pull us back together like two ends of rubberband, at the end of it, it's still one piece of elastic. And that's what we are, one. And that's what we've always been.
Today, is the perfect day of thank you for yesterday, and for tomorrow. And I mean that metaphorically as well. Thank you for what we had, and thank you for what we will have. And I know, no matter how today goes, at the end of the day, I'll have you :)

My perfection.
Love and lot of other dirty feelings.

Walking away

It's pretty sad how everything comes with a timeline.
Laughter, pain, love, relationships and life itself.
It's good in a way I guess, you know that you're never stagnant. But what if sometimes you just don't want things to change, you want them to be right the way they are. Just one part of your life. What do you do then? Do you hold on till it's been stretched so hard and all that is left is the faint trace of what used to be?
Or do you let go, like you did of everything else and let time heal scars and wounds like it always has.
But, you know you can't regret either decision, because at one point, that's exactly what you wanted.
Who knew holding on to things could be as hard as letting go is. Who knew.

Grains of Sand

I walk with my hands in my pockets, looking around, hoping no one is noticing the change of expressions on my face or the twitching of my mouth every now and then. I'm hiding beneath my hair, always letting it down, so that it covers imperfections and sometimes tears.
This is probably the happiest phase of my life, but I can't get myself to put my hands out in the air and embrace it. Instead, my hands remain in my pocket where I finger a tiny shell and some sand. The shell upsets me but reminds me of times which were beautiful and calm, two things which are seeming lost in my life for a while now. It puts me in a place that was my paradise. Standing in an old rusted lighthouse and looking at the dark clouds that were approaching us.. we didn't care. We had each other then. Ofcourse we did, because when it rained, you covered me with your jacket, hugged me tight and bundled me up in the car. Warmth of that sort, no, I haven't felt it since then. In the dark of the night, when all I can do is think, I think about you and that one night.
I've forgiven you though, for letting me go, just like they said you would. We got too busy for each other I guess- the excuse I've made up when people ask me. It hurts, but I'll be fine. We had our time and space, and hopefully someday, we'll feel that way again.

The sand in my pockets on the other hand is something that refuses to get out. There's sand in my shoes, some in my pockets, in my bag and hair and everywhere. Tiny reminiscences here and there, reminding me every moment that there aren't things I've let go off. People and memories who don't deserve my time anymore, but are still occupying space in my already crammed head. Exactly a month back, someone told me that 80% of the way we feel generally is because of the 20% of the people in our life. Negative, that's how I feel. I'm letting their poison seep into my world even though they aren't a part of it anymore. Unhappiness, insecurity, stress are slowly becoming a part of my life.

If only I could get rid of the damn sand.

Detox, cleansing, rebirth even. What is the answer out? Help? Anyone?

Let it go.

So ironic. But so repeated. Every time two hearts meet, somewhere, one breaks.
What's worse? When you've been in both the positions. And weirdly enough, you feel terrible at both times.
What's more ironic? When all your life you think you've been great at relationships and they all fall flat on your face, and then when you finally meet the right one, you have suddenly forgotten to be in a relationship. Forgotten how it is to be loved. How to receive.
What could possibly be worse? The fact that you start missing what you had. But wait, isn't this a step higher? Isn't this how it was meant to be? Then what? Why this hopelessness..

Stop looking out, start looking in, says a little voice from inside. And when you do, you see his eyes.. looking at you like you're the only thing that matters and ever did, those eyes are saying things which he never would, all those fights and tears and angry glances all lead up to this one moment. Vulnerable. That's the word. You feel vulnerable in his arms. That's a new feeling though. You know you've felt love, lust, passion and all of those things people feel in a relationship. But Vulnerability? That's a new one.
But you find that being vulnerable is the only way to let your heart feel true pleasure after all the hurt and scars, feel it so close and real that it scares you.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html