Hello, perfection

November 21st 2010, you turned to me and said 'What about my hug?' and on the stage of that event in front of 2500 gaping people, we hugged. The warmth of that hug and the warmth of everything that was there in between came across so beautifully in that one moment, and like they say, the rest is history. For me, that's when it started. Though I know that for you, our story started way before I even realized it did.
It has been exactly a year, 7 months and 10 days since then. And I haven't been more thankful to God that you came my way. If AIESEC has impacted my life, you are probably the biggest and best it can get.
From those auto rides and never ending lunches where you refused for me to pay to those extremely long OCMs, where I'd just break down at the end of it, and you just held me and told me it would be okay. He'd hurt me, and I would run to you and cry about it, selfishly, not really what I was actually doing. If I'd only known...
There's always a side of me which said that nothing could get more perfect than you. And that's the biggest part of me, which still believes. Which still gives you everything all over again, just to start over.
These two years have taught both of us valuable lessons. In love, friendship, jealousy, trust and so much more than I'll ever know. But through all the shit and the rainbows, I know. That the moment you smile at me, it'll all be okay. You give me those premature ventricular contractions they talk about in movies. Just that, I'm not sure what we'll ever be. And maybe, after these years, I've reached a point where I never want to as well. Nobody has seen me as bipolar, rude, lovable, PMSing, gentle and all that put together as you have. And even if they have, they gave up and walked away long back. That was my cue, you didn't.

I may want to give up on you a million times. (At certain points, I really wish I could) But that tiny part inside of me is always saying I'm an ass for thinking so much and trying so hard. There's this song I heard, called You got a way. And nothing has ever described what I feel about you more aptly. Really, you have got a way with me. And that's just one song. Lol.

Long ago, you had said to me that I could never do justice to a blogpost about you.. I guess I can't. I owe just too much to you to even think about. Periods of not talking to you seem like the world is conspiring against me. All of a sudden, everyone around me wants to talk about what an awesome person you are. Every man standing next to me is suddenly a Kartik or is talking to someone called Kartik. Blame South India, but this place is full of your namesakes. And suddenly, the radio plays Drown With Me... What is a poor girl to do?

You know, Someday, I'd like to be given the opportunity to make your day, like you always make mine. Just for one day, I'd like to be your sunshine, like you are mine.
And like I told you.. on 14th February 2011, to me, you are perfection. And no matter, how much I run to the imperfection, your radiance just pulls me back home :) Even if you aren't around, reading your letter over and over again gives me a certain courage I had doubted I possessed.


And you know what, I've had enough of being 'in love' with what I thought was you. That idea of a person... Hidden beneath all that somewhere, STILL, lies my perfection. And that's no idea. That's the person I know and love. And maybe I'm a fool in love, but for you, that foolishness, a 100 times over. 


Happy 21st Kartik Bhatia. I love you with every little piece of my heart and always will. You're a big boy now, time to stop acting like a sissy you think? 
Grow some balls and get here fast. (Though just to clarify, I'm not missing you okay?)
Now you can fug off.

Love, hugs, kisses,bites and other nasty things,
Jugsaan


P.S- This didn't come out the way I wanted it too. Maybe a blogpost can't actually do justice to you :/
But one day, I'll make it up to you munchkin.

Kyun rota hai?

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya

Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya
Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Duniya mein yunhi hota hai
Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain

Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai

Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

That one mistake

The moment it happened, I knew it shouldn't have. It was wrong from the very beginning and it had the potential to ruin something that was right, very right. But it did happen, there's no mistaking it. No point in denying it, pretending it never happened, because it did. And I was ashamed. What was I thinking. Why. How. When my thoughts and heart were so far away from that cold place, nestled (then) cozily in him. It was  all about him, even when we were apart. I missed him then, but that was the time when he missed me back. Where did I lose that person somewhere along the way.. My perfection. How could I lose him.

Will he ever forgive me? Put it behind him? Will he value what was there in the past and forgive that one stupid mistake that I made.. will he.

HYPOCRITE. My head shouts. And hypocrite. That's what I am. I blamed him for not being a friend, for not being the person he was. How could he, obviously. How could he pretend it didn't affect him.

And now I lost him, lost his faith in me and everything that we had. Just like that. Because of that one mistake. That boy who was once possessive, protective, loving, tender and perfect, now doesn't even care enough to pretend to like me. How could I..

But now only time will tell. And only time heal.

How do I do this alone Munchkin? It wasn't supposed to be you. It wasn't.

And I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for hurting you.

Forgive me.

Space. Lots of it.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

That dose of happiness.

You need to kiss the damn person you want to kiss and just be done with it. It’s important to feel like you can still surprise yourself. We put up these walls now just so we can break them down later and feel like we’ve grown. It’s not so much about the kiss itself. It’s more about proving to yourself that you can get what you want. You’re one ballsy move away from sublime happiness. - I guess all my walls are broken down, and HOW! :D


P.S- Didn't happen. I just like it :P

Screwed up fairy tale

Yes, go on it's your turn now.
Strap on your wings, get prepared for take off.
Say your last goodbyes.
Wipe your last tears,
Before they fade away themselves.

Don't worry about me.
I'll hold on
Though I want to run behind you,
Cling on to you and never let go..
But, well, that's not the way it's destined to be is it?
So I'll wave at you too, with tears in my eyes.
Brimming and threatening to fall
And clouding my already clouded vision.

How do I say I miss you?
Why would you believe me?
And when did it get so hard?
But it's been full of goodbyes, this year.
I'm sure I can deal with one more.

Just.One.More.

I wish it would just stop with that you know. I wish I could just hold on to every moment tight, so tight that it would never fade away. But that's the thing, it passes. It all does. Memories, things, people.
And then, another chapter comes to a close. And Snap. All it's characters and situations are gone with it.

All my people, in all my chapters. That's all I want. How hard is that to fulfill huh?

Sights, Sounds, Smells- Mumbai 2012

They say, you can never really find yourself, if you haven't been completely lost at first.


This is an ode to a city, a lifetime and a parallel universe which transported me, more than just over miles.
To a life which I could see my self leading and to the people who I can see myself loving through the years.


'What am I even doing here?'
was the first thought that crossed my mind when I sat down in a broken cab who's driver used beautifully degrading words at everything that passed by. But being the ever ready tourist that I am, seeing new things and staring at different people gave me an incomparable joy- Everyone in this city seemed to walk steadfastly, everyone had somewhere to be. You could dance in the center of the road and do the shimee to everyone who walks by, but they've probably already seen someone like you before. Hah.

The notion of being a small town girl came and went, especially everytime I gazed up at the sky scrapers and counted the floors of the building, trying to match them to the ones back home. The existence of multi-storeyed hotels and chawls, in perfect harmony is what makes Mumbai so different (among other things). The city never really sleeps, Carter Road and Marine Drive always seemed to have enough couples at equal intervals, no matter what time of the day or night you visit them.

Documenting even a day in Mumbai would be impossible. There's so much to do, so much to see and SO much to take in!
The tourist expression never really left my face, Srushti said. Well, it is true, if I had to choose to get lost anywhere in the world, I'd choose Bombay. No kidding.

Among the sight seeing and daily doses of fascination that I managed to do pretty well alone, this trip would have been nothing (N.O.T.H.I.N.G) without those brilliant, warm and gorgeous people I met. That was, one of the things I was looking forward to the most. Putting faces to the BBM chats and random conversations. And pheew could there be better faces than that? :P

This trip was a wild one, even for someone like me. I came to the city knowing barely 2 people, making a mental note not to call family for help and support. My Graduation trip turned into a work experience, and strangers turned into soulsisters, if I may say so (read: Behnas). My,What a whirlwind ride it has been...
I had a roomie for the first time in my life! And after the initial 'how do i behave here' phase, we realized that we were pretty much the same person. Where were you all my life Mehndi? :)
From midnight escapades (never had those with a girl :P ) to digging so deep into each others lives that it was impossible to get out, you Ms Iyer, were just what I needed from this trip.
Kalyani, the super efficient Guju perfectionist with this strange craving for food and Nadiya, the hyper little cuckoo bird with so much to say and so much love to give to everyone. Just what we needed to complete that mixed bag of creatures that Prithvish had picked out so carefully (LOL) And yes Mr Uppal, no matter what anyone says, you'll always be mine first :P All rights reserved.
Just those certain moments, here and there, between all the rush and the confusion were enough to keep me going through those 2 weeks. Putting those into words wouldn't really do justice to what I've felt. I've felt a plethora of colourful emotions, all at once; Severe doses of happiness and excitement were what caused those major headaches, if you're wondering. The final product of our efforts was evident. Couldn't have been any prouder.

Mumbai, you turned this averagely normal girl into an item who sang lame songs in an unknown city at the top of her voice. You made her believe that she could swim her way through troubled waters and reach the shore without any harm.
You taught her to dream and believe in the dreams that she dreamt.
You showed her that hard work DOES pay off, and there will always be those who will recognize what you do.
You brought back a side of her, she had lost somewhere along the way.
In you, she found herself. In you, she found a reflection of everything that she is and everything that she wants to be. In you, she found infinite hope for a brighter day after, because sometimes, even tomorrow can be a little hazy.

You accepted her, with open arms, just like the people of your wonderful city and made her feel like your own. It's not a surprise that everyone who leaves you, will always feel personally towards you, 'Aamchi Mumbai', how apt.

But we aren't done yet, there's yet another rendezvous to be completed, lots of things to be lost and found and so many things left to taste and feel (Yeah, I didn't get to eat enough)

Nevertheless, it's been one trip worth making. Worth every experience, bad, good and beautiful.

You lived up to my expectations Mumbai, I hope I was good too.