I need fresh air. Untouched and pure. I need new places, unseen and unpolluted. I need fresh thoughts, not cluttered and depressing. But I need old people, those who cared and trusted.
Holding on hurts like needles, poking into the very depths of my skin. And letting go, causes excruciating pain.
"She doesn't care anymore, let go", he said
"No, she promised she always would, and she knows the truth, somewhere deep down.."
"Stop fooling yourself, people change and leave. It's life, it's unfair"
It's time I took your advice maybe, all these efforts seem futile and the trust's gone, holding onto segments and grains of sand is pointless. So, finally its time to bid adieu, maybe a little too soon. But I've tried. Today, and many times before. It feels like digging up an old grave, a relationship that's dead and buried. So now I stop. I'll place a bunch of roses and lilies over what was and move on, because life has way more in store for me and you. I'll leave without a sound, ruining the beauty of what was by words just doesn't seem right.
This is the end my friend.
End of things as we knew them, and people and relationships that were.
This is the end my friend,
Of a life moving the way you want it to.
This is the end my friend,
Of yesterday's pain and today's fights.
This is The end my friend,
Of you and me and us.. This is the end.
I've loved you and I will miss you.
To a friendship that was,
Cheers.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Truly Mine.
“The winds that sometimes take something we love, are the same that bring us something we learn to love. Therefore we should not cry about something that was taken from us, but, yes, love what we have been given. Because what is really ours is never gone forever.”
― Bob Marley
I looked at his pictures on facebook, flipped through them angrily because he had made so many new friends and because I didn't feel a part of his life anymore. I stopped at a group picture and went through the tags to see what these new people were called. My cursor stopped at a girl who looked much like a bunny with bulging eyes and a goofy smile, but more than her looks, her name made me stop and think for a while and days to come later. Arya Anuranjitha. This girl shared first names with my first boyfriend, my first real love. How peculiar.
For two years, my ex's namesake still remained a face on a picture for me. Until the 13th of May 2011 happened. I packed my bags and ran off from the city I once loved the most because all it gave me then, was pain, despair and turned backs. So, I turned my back too and fled to a little town full of strangers.
Who knew strangers could be exactly what you needed?
Me: Even I've been wanting a tattoo forever.
Her: Me too man. There's this one phrase I want to get..
Me: Ya, which one? I've been wanting the phrase 'This too shall pass' for God knows how long
Her: Dude, are you kidding me? That's exactly what I want.
I swear, I have NEVER looked into a girl's eyes for longer. For me, time froze for those few seconds. That phrase was mine and that tattoo idea was mine too. That moment challenged all my ideas of, you need to know someone long enough to connect and yada yada yada. Arya, you piece of God knows what, you dropped into my life exactly when I needed you. The exact someone who I could exchange glances with, the one I could share awesome literature stuff with, and the person who shared music tastes with me so instantly. Everything for that matter, happened so instantly. From suddenly feeling sometimes lonely and clueless, I found direction and a much needed prod to to things that were right. From across the distance, you got me spectacularly well and time is witness to the fact that we, didn't let a boy come inbetween (thank god for that) Just as you constantly reminded me, he was just another boy, who did just the same thing as any other does. And after he left me too, I had you, to run back too.
Thank you for taking me back. And thank you for appreciating the little things which mattered so much to me which nobody saw but you. Thank you for the songs you played when we drank together. Thank you for those silent laughs which you just couldn't control, because they made me sit up straight and correct my act. Thank you for being the wisdom when I had none. Thank you for patiently showing me the right path Everysingletime. Thank you for showing me that no matter how much attention he gave me, at the end, he was a boy. And thank you for heart to heart, being that sister I never had.
I can never thank you enough for all that you've done or made me realize. Someday, you'll know the impact you've had on me :) But till then, I'll keep telling you.
Some people, come into your lives and go away as soon as they came, but some like you, have this insane capability of making people hold on to you. We can't do without you Arya :) it just doesn't happen.
And happy birthday love. Thank you for bringing my faith back in that word and showing me how much a Bhatia can rock ;)
I will always ALWAYS be by your side (whether you need me or not)
With love, hugs, kisses and other nasty things,
Ju
― Bob Marley
I looked at his pictures on facebook, flipped through them angrily because he had made so many new friends and because I didn't feel a part of his life anymore. I stopped at a group picture and went through the tags to see what these new people were called. My cursor stopped at a girl who looked much like a bunny with bulging eyes and a goofy smile, but more than her looks, her name made me stop and think for a while and days to come later. Arya Anuranjitha. This girl shared first names with my first boyfriend, my first real love. How peculiar.
For two years, my ex's namesake still remained a face on a picture for me. Until the 13th of May 2011 happened. I packed my bags and ran off from the city I once loved the most because all it gave me then, was pain, despair and turned backs. So, I turned my back too and fled to a little town full of strangers.
Who knew strangers could be exactly what you needed?
Me: Even I've been wanting a tattoo forever.
Her: Me too man. There's this one phrase I want to get..
Me: Ya, which one? I've been wanting the phrase 'This too shall pass' for God knows how long
Her: Dude, are you kidding me? That's exactly what I want.
I swear, I have NEVER looked into a girl's eyes for longer. For me, time froze for those few seconds. That phrase was mine and that tattoo idea was mine too. That moment challenged all my ideas of, you need to know someone long enough to connect and yada yada yada. Arya, you piece of God knows what, you dropped into my life exactly when I needed you. The exact someone who I could exchange glances with, the one I could share awesome literature stuff with, and the person who shared music tastes with me so instantly. Everything for that matter, happened so instantly. From suddenly feeling sometimes lonely and clueless, I found direction and a much needed prod to to things that were right. From across the distance, you got me spectacularly well and time is witness to the fact that we, didn't let a boy come inbetween (thank god for that) Just as you constantly reminded me, he was just another boy, who did just the same thing as any other does. And after he left me too, I had you, to run back too.
Thank you for taking me back. And thank you for appreciating the little things which mattered so much to me which nobody saw but you. Thank you for the songs you played when we drank together. Thank you for those silent laughs which you just couldn't control, because they made me sit up straight and correct my act. Thank you for being the wisdom when I had none. Thank you for patiently showing me the right path Everysingletime. Thank you for showing me that no matter how much attention he gave me, at the end, he was a boy. And thank you for heart to heart, being that sister I never had.
I can never thank you enough for all that you've done or made me realize. Someday, you'll know the impact you've had on me :) But till then, I'll keep telling you.
Some people, come into your lives and go away as soon as they came, but some like you, have this insane capability of making people hold on to you. We can't do without you Arya :) it just doesn't happen.
And happy birthday love. Thank you for bringing my faith back in that word and showing me how much a Bhatia can rock ;)
I will always ALWAYS be by your side (whether you need me or not)
With love, hugs, kisses and other nasty things,
Ju
The Honeymoon that never ends
To you, who are meant for me, and know it heart to heart.
LOVE IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP.
Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is finished. You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry it on because it is comfortable, convenient, cozy. You can carry it on because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you… Relationship means something complete, finished, closed.
Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues– it is a continuum. It is a verb, not a noun.
And why do we reduce the beauty of relating to relationship? Why are we in such a hurry? Because to relate is insecure, and relationship is a security. Relationship has a certainty; relating is just a meeting of two strangers, maybe just an overnight stay and in the morning we say goodbye. Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow? And we are so afraid that we want to make it certain, we want to make it predictable. We would like tomorrow to be according to our ideas; we don't allow it freedom to have its own say. So we immediately reduce every verb to a noun.
You are in love with a woman or a man and immediately you start thinking of getting married. Make it a legal contract. Why? How does the law come into love? The law comes into love because love is not there. It is only a fantasy, and you know the fantasy will disappear. Before it disappears settle down, before it disappears do something so it becomes impossible to separate.
In a better world, with more meditative people, with a little more enlightenment spread over the earth, people will love, love immensely, but their love will remain a relating not a relationship. And I am not saying that their love will be only momentary. There is every possibility their love may go deeper than your love, may have a higher quality of intimacy, may
have something more of poetry and more of godliness in it. And there is every possibility their love may last longer than your so-called relationship ever lasts. But it will not be guaranteed by the law, by the court, by the policeman. The guarantee will be inner. It will be a commitment from the heart, it will be a silent communion.
If you enjoy being with somebody, you would like to enjoy it more and more. If you enjoy the intimacy, you would like to explore the intimacy more and more. And there are a few flowers of love which bloom only after long intimacies. There are seasonal flowers too; within six weeks they are there, in the sun, but within six weeks again they are gone forever. There
are flowers that take years to come, and there are flowers that take many years to come. The longer it takes, the deeper it goes. But it has to be a commitment from one heart to another heart. It has not even to be verbalized, because to verbalize it is to profane it. It has to be a silent commitment; eye to eye, heart to heart, being to being. It has to be understood, not said.
Forget relationships and learn how to relate. Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted– that's what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either! It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful.
To think that you know your wife is very, very ungrateful. How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different. Relate again, start again, don't take it for granted. And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That's what I mean by relating.
Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other's personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled. That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. And if you relate, and don't reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you. Exploring him, unawares you will be exploring yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too. Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation. Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful.
Hence I say relate. By saying relate, I mean remain continuously on a honeymoon. Go on searching and seeking each other, finding new ways of loving each other, finding new ways of being with each other. And each person is such an infinite mystery, inexhaustible, unfathomable, that it is not possible that you can ever say, "I have known her," or, "I have
known him." At the most you can say, "I have tried my best, but the mystery remains a mystery." In fact the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes. Then love is a constant adventure.
- Osho
LOVE IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP.
Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is finished. You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry it on because it is comfortable, convenient, cozy. You can carry it on because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you… Relationship means something complete, finished, closed.
Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues– it is a continuum. It is a verb, not a noun.
And why do we reduce the beauty of relating to relationship? Why are we in such a hurry? Because to relate is insecure, and relationship is a security. Relationship has a certainty; relating is just a meeting of two strangers, maybe just an overnight stay and in the morning we say goodbye. Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow? And we are so afraid that we want to make it certain, we want to make it predictable. We would like tomorrow to be according to our ideas; we don't allow it freedom to have its own say. So we immediately reduce every verb to a noun.
You are in love with a woman or a man and immediately you start thinking of getting married. Make it a legal contract. Why? How does the law come into love? The law comes into love because love is not there. It is only a fantasy, and you know the fantasy will disappear. Before it disappears settle down, before it disappears do something so it becomes impossible to separate.
In a better world, with more meditative people, with a little more enlightenment spread over the earth, people will love, love immensely, but their love will remain a relating not a relationship. And I am not saying that their love will be only momentary. There is every possibility their love may go deeper than your love, may have a higher quality of intimacy, may
have something more of poetry and more of godliness in it. And there is every possibility their love may last longer than your so-called relationship ever lasts. But it will not be guaranteed by the law, by the court, by the policeman. The guarantee will be inner. It will be a commitment from the heart, it will be a silent communion.
If you enjoy being with somebody, you would like to enjoy it more and more. If you enjoy the intimacy, you would like to explore the intimacy more and more. And there are a few flowers of love which bloom only after long intimacies. There are seasonal flowers too; within six weeks they are there, in the sun, but within six weeks again they are gone forever. There
are flowers that take years to come, and there are flowers that take many years to come. The longer it takes, the deeper it goes. But it has to be a commitment from one heart to another heart. It has not even to be verbalized, because to verbalize it is to profane it. It has to be a silent commitment; eye to eye, heart to heart, being to being. It has to be understood, not said.
Forget relationships and learn how to relate. Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted– that's what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either! It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful.
To think that you know your wife is very, very ungrateful. How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different. Relate again, start again, don't take it for granted. And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That's what I mean by relating.
Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other's personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled. That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. And if you relate, and don't reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you. Exploring him, unawares you will be exploring yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too. Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation. Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful.
Hence I say relate. By saying relate, I mean remain continuously on a honeymoon. Go on searching and seeking each other, finding new ways of loving each other, finding new ways of being with each other. And each person is such an infinite mystery, inexhaustible, unfathomable, that it is not possible that you can ever say, "I have known her," or, "I have
known him." At the most you can say, "I have tried my best, but the mystery remains a mystery." In fact the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes. Then love is a constant adventure.
- Osho
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
To you, my soul mate
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
You left, a little too soon. Sure, you shook me up, showed me what I was doing wrong and made me believe, that somewhere, someone existed for me, and me only. You made me fall for love all over again and made me blush like a love struck teenager. But I was in love with no one, just with life, it's oddities and myself.
But then you left, without warning and without trace of the person who used to be. Holding on seemed futile, and letting go as always, was painful. So I'm stuck again, mid air, in between flying and crashing to the ground. With no promise of your hands below to catch me like they did before.
I will still celebrate every 13th, because that's when you came into my life and turned it topsy turvy. Nothing has been the same since that day, and it never will be. 'Destiny baby' I can almost hear you saying.. but I don't even remember your voice. I'm holding onto juvenile recordings and messages like they mean a lot. And suddenly, in a relationship where we promised there'd be no buts, all there seems to be are clouds of it everywhere.
But again, that's just me. I could really use your stupidity now, your voice and you. Without realizing, you affected my life and little too much at that. And then, just left. Somewhere I know, there is a trace of MY Afreen, I really wish he'd understand that.
Don't let me down like the others did. I've had enough of hiding my heart from the fear of it being broken. Don't break my heart.
And come back,
I could really use your love right now.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
You left, a little too soon. Sure, you shook me up, showed me what I was doing wrong and made me believe, that somewhere, someone existed for me, and me only. You made me fall for love all over again and made me blush like a love struck teenager. But I was in love with no one, just with life, it's oddities and myself.
But then you left, without warning and without trace of the person who used to be. Holding on seemed futile, and letting go as always, was painful. So I'm stuck again, mid air, in between flying and crashing to the ground. With no promise of your hands below to catch me like they did before.
I will still celebrate every 13th, because that's when you came into my life and turned it topsy turvy. Nothing has been the same since that day, and it never will be. 'Destiny baby' I can almost hear you saying.. but I don't even remember your voice. I'm holding onto juvenile recordings and messages like they mean a lot. And suddenly, in a relationship where we promised there'd be no buts, all there seems to be are clouds of it everywhere.
But again, that's just me. I could really use your stupidity now, your voice and you. Without realizing, you affected my life and little too much at that. And then, just left. Somewhere I know, there is a trace of MY Afreen, I really wish he'd understand that.
Don't let me down like the others did. I've had enough of hiding my heart from the fear of it being broken. Don't break my heart.
And come back,
I could really use your love right now.
Fix Me
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
One of those days, again..
I should've just stayed away. From you, her, him and everyone else. Living my own little world of make believe is so much more easier and happier. Believing in the space where we exist. Together. As one. That place where I thought you'd be, but when I reached there, it was pretty deserted. Some faint traces remained that vanished soon after.
I've stopped expecting anything from you, or your race. Being let down constantly just doesn't do much, for me, or my self confidence. Neither does being mid way.
Broken pieces levitating far from each other, hanging on to threads of what used to be. That's what I am. And I'm living keeping these broken pieces as they are. By fixing it, I'm giving you the power to shatter it all over again. No way am I taking that risk. Not again.
So non committal? Bring it on.
Deep inside me, there's a small hope that you'd realize that only you, have ever had the power to fix me back.
Someday, I hope you mean the words of the song you sing so often, looking so deeply into my eyes. Someday, I hope you could hold me tight and refuse to let go. And someday, I hope you realize, that our place, is where we're meant to be. For now, and forever.
Someday, I hope you can find me, and fix me.
One of those days, again..
I should've just stayed away. From you, her, him and everyone else. Living my own little world of make believe is so much more easier and happier. Believing in the space where we exist. Together. As one. That place where I thought you'd be, but when I reached there, it was pretty deserted. Some faint traces remained that vanished soon after.
I've stopped expecting anything from you, or your race. Being let down constantly just doesn't do much, for me, or my self confidence. Neither does being mid way.
Broken pieces levitating far from each other, hanging on to threads of what used to be. That's what I am. And I'm living keeping these broken pieces as they are. By fixing it, I'm giving you the power to shatter it all over again. No way am I taking that risk. Not again.
So non committal? Bring it on.
Deep inside me, there's a small hope that you'd realize that only you, have ever had the power to fix me back.
Someday, I hope you mean the words of the song you sing so often, looking so deeply into my eyes. Someday, I hope you could hold me tight and refuse to let go. And someday, I hope you realize, that our place, is where we're meant to be. For now, and forever.
Someday, I hope you can find me, and fix me.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
+1 and -25
"It's not fair", I cry.
"Life's unfair", he says, almost nonchalantly.
"But..."
It's turning into a rhetorical statement almost.
Losing people never came easy to me. I wish I was one of those, who could detach as and when she wanted to. And hold on for exactly the time it was necessary. And just leave the pain behind as memories. Why does gaining one relationship mean losing so many others? How do emotions and feelings turn into smoke in a matter of a day, or a conversation? And what fueled that fire?
I've been searching the universe for this question and from everywhere came the reply, there's a reason people from your past didn't make it to your present. But then sometimes you just can't do without that support, or smile.
The conflict between my head and my heart is never ending. One fights for the logic that people left you because they had to, when the other argues that there isn't a question of leaving when it comes to love...
But now
The answer is pretty obvious actually.
She fell out of love too.
"Life's unfair", he says, almost nonchalantly.
"But..."
It's turning into a rhetorical statement almost.
Losing people never came easy to me. I wish I was one of those, who could detach as and when she wanted to. And hold on for exactly the time it was necessary. And just leave the pain behind as memories. Why does gaining one relationship mean losing so many others? How do emotions and feelings turn into smoke in a matter of a day, or a conversation? And what fueled that fire?
I've been searching the universe for this question and from everywhere came the reply, there's a reason people from your past didn't make it to your present. But then sometimes you just can't do without that support, or smile.
The conflict between my head and my heart is never ending. One fights for the logic that people left you because they had to, when the other argues that there isn't a question of leaving when it comes to love...
But now
The answer is pretty obvious actually.
She fell out of love too.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
This date, last year and this one and for years to come.
Here's to you and me. For one year of this and that and them. And now, finally a day of us. Here's to you for making the cheesiest day of any girl's life, always the best of mine. The one day in these two years, where I promised myself I wouldn't see you, but I knew in the bottom of my heart, that you'd be there. And there you were. Man, the way things changed from the same time last year to now, the way we changed, the People we met, we loved. But still, despite it all, here we are, and still, you are my perfection. No matter who you killed, for years to come, you, Kartik Bhatia, will always be my perfection.
And you, Kartik Bhatia, cannot run away from this. It will pull us back together like two ends of rubberband, at the end of it, it's still one piece of elastic. And that's what we are, one. And that's what we've always been.
Today, is the perfect day of thank you for yesterday, and for tomorrow. And I mean that metaphorically as well. Thank you for what we had, and thank you for what we will have. And I know, no matter how today goes, at the end of the day, I'll have you :)
My perfection.
Love and lot of other dirty feelings.
And you, Kartik Bhatia, cannot run away from this. It will pull us back together like two ends of rubberband, at the end of it, it's still one piece of elastic. And that's what we are, one. And that's what we've always been.
Today, is the perfect day of thank you for yesterday, and for tomorrow. And I mean that metaphorically as well. Thank you for what we had, and thank you for what we will have. And I know, no matter how today goes, at the end of the day, I'll have you :)
My perfection.
Love and lot of other dirty feelings.
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